


Your Letter And My Coat

by emxwrites



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Depression, F/M, Model Eren Yeager, Photographer Eren Yeager, Sad Ending, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:00:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27987348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emxwrites/pseuds/emxwrites
Summary: "I believe that you were the right person at the wrong time.But I did love you, true from my heart."//in which Eren meets his soulmate at the wrong time, but he wants to hold on, obstacles be damned//
Relationships: Mikasa Ackerman/Eren Yeager
Comments: 14
Kudos: 40





	Your Letter And My Coat

**Author's Note:**

  * For [screamingdeadfrogs](https://archiveofourown.org/users/screamingdeadfrogs/gifts), [Crazyliving](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crazyliving/gifts).



> a/n: this is truly one of the works I've finished as I love eremika to my heart :-; 
> 
> the idea came to me when I first listened to a classical piece with another song called 'Ghostin' by Arianna Grande (I recommend you to listen to it after reading my fanfic) Till this day, I still can't get over it as I always cry my shit out to the lyrics. It's truly one of my favourite songs. 
> 
> anyways I hope you do enjoy my work :") feel free to leave comments and ask me things! 
> 
> love you all so much <3

“Eren!” 

A sway of harmonies rang through the large dome ceiling, sparkles of flickering gold and pearl white scattering to the cut-out panes, filtering the soft bath of evening light that illuminated the glossy painted colours. Pillars aroused the ice rink, doves and cupids etched out of the historical designed monument, glittering silvers of dew light drifting around the numbing atmosphere. They almost looked like  _ heaven’s tears _ , as what Eren would have described, snapping picture after picture of the comprehensive detailing of artwork made. 

“Come on, you can take pictures later!” Armin yelled from a distance. “Let’s go see the back department where the performers are.”

“Yeah hold on, will you? Photography is my work,” he murmured and let low of his ground, a faint  _ click  _ snapping out from his DSLR camera. “Right to this angle...I’m done-” 

_ “Sheesh!" _

Eren frowned at the figure sprinting away below, his blond hair peeking past his neck as he bounced down the stairs, his floppy hood masking the back of his head. The young man took his time descending the grand stairs, his shallow breathing fanning on the seaweed green scarf he wore. Early November was a crucial month for the arrival of early winter, the temperature outside falling as winter crept silently on the withering trees and flaky rain, wetting the warmth of breezes.

He absent-mindedly saved his pictures on his digital camera, following Armin to the small compound where the dressing room was. Twinkling lights and eye-catching colours were thrown around, the figure-skating crew hurrying about for the photoshoot rehearsal of  _ Ice Dance. _

“Eren, this is the director of the choreography,” Armin guided him to the room where a lady in a sleeved dress was arranging the skates, cardboard boxes of silky fabric spilling over the tables and foldable chairs. “She’s the one I’m talking about.”

“Hey. I’m Annie,” she grabbed his hand and gave it a firm shake before letting go, her pearl blue eyes unfolding an emotionless gaze. All he could read was an unamused stare sending upon his way. “You’re here to get us onto the weekly magazine, yes?” 

“Yeah,” Eren stated bluntly. “I’ll take some pictures of the rehearsal. Armin would help me set up my stand over the audience’s seats. When is it starting?” 

“Soon enough, if you don’t mind waiting for a little while longer.”

“Okay,” he averted his gaze away from her to the posters glued on the paint-peeled walls. A flock of people scuttled past him, dumping their duffel bags on the sideway as they latched pieces of equipment onto their outfit, snippets of chats stirred up from the litter of conversations.

Eren was sure to snap some pictures of figure skaters, switching his lenses as the images imprinted onto his screen came into focus. He also took a snapshot of the newest poster hung in a glass frame, the silver shining letters on the printed paper peppering the clear screen. 

A few more shots were all he needed when Armin grabbed ahold of his pecan leather jacket and dragged him back to the grand seats, which unfortunately, didn’t delight Eren at all. 

“Ack,” he refiled his pictures, “I could’ve taken another one with the skating crew all lined together.” 

“I think that's more than enough. There’s many more to come when the  _ actual _ rehearsal starts."

_ “ _ Okay, okay _ ,” _ he grumbled, finally leaving his camera aside before keeping his fleece gloves tucked into his side pockets. Warmth embraced his frigid fists, soothing the bitterly cold weather that cleansed his shuddering body. Armin seemed perfectly warm with his duffle coat and woollen snood, now leaning against the metal rail as his widened eyes sought for the skating figures that popped up below on the ice rink, the fairy lights lighting up around the dome. Dingy glows from above illuminated the ice flooring into a gold bath, shredding the mystical aroma to the astounding sense of decor worked onto the building. 

“This is truly one of the most beautiful ice rinks…” Armin murmured, his chin resting comfortably on his arms. “Do you need a hand with the stand?” 

“Hm?” Eren fingered with the simple mechanic, “No, not really. Thanks anyway.” 

“You’re good by yourself then,” he sighed dreamily, turning his attention back to the lower ground. “Hey, they’re starting now-”

“All ready and set!" 

From the background of the compound, a tinkling bell started playing, gradually accompanied by a small orchestra with the lulling choir arriving with the beginning introduction of a piece. Below the two friends arrived a few skaters, their body parts coordinated with the appeasing growing harmony, the thin blades slicing the frosty ground as they did a triple loop in sync. As dangerous as it seems, they did it with charm and poise that the worry of slipping eventually dispersed out of Eren’s mind. He continuously clicked his device, closing an eye to let the other fix the best view needed. 

Armin didn’t say a word. He was too focused on the performance that the comments he wanted to throw in were locked away in perplexity. More figure skaters set onto the scene, the others gliding away back to the rail. Banners fluttered as the cold wind swept by, the entrancing flow of classical music drooping down in a rapid halt. All the figure skaters went away as soon as it paused, a note landing on a temporary silence. 

In confusion, Eren stopped his work and nudged his friend on the shoulder. “What’s happening? Surely the performance isn’t so short and quick-” 

“Look,” Armin breathed, “The good part starts now.”

An uproar of mesmerising tune from violins and harps brought out the dance to life as a strong soothing choir rose, wrapping the dome to its very own world. A figure came gliding into the ice rink, a blur of silver and trout grey whirring in the air as the skater did a lutz, landing in a firm balance as one of her feet hovered as she spun around in an elegant move. White sparkles flecked her translucent sleeves, the separate thin fabrics from her back flittering in the feverish embrace like a pair of actual fairy wings.

In the midst of the symphony, Eren could hear soft peals of laughter as the girl in the dress swivelled past, her arms spread free as she savoured the grand setting around her. It was obvious that she wasn’t just skating anymore. The mystifying person was actually breathing in the little bubble of her fantasy, unaware and unmindful of the reality she left behind. Her skills were manufactured well, as there is no doubt to it, but what made her presence glimmered so captivatingly was the blistering passion rooting her right on her delicate feet. 

Eren silently watched from afar, her little figure seized in his alluring green eyes. The early night had already ascended towards the tangerine sky, a dark colour washing off the beaming highlights of the remaining sunset as the newly risen moon poured through the little, speckled glass and onto the glistening specks of her outfit. 

In the majestic ceiling and the shower of pearly touches, the skater had already won the entire stage, a soft smile pressed onto her joyful being. 

"That was  _ captivating," _ Armin said in incredulity. "She's surely going to be the main attraction for this event. Do you mind if I take a look at your pictures?" 

Eren blinked at him. _ "Huh?" _ __

"The photos you took of her," he piped, "I can help you to wash out the scroll if you want to keep a personal copy for your own album." 

"R-right," he regained his composure and stared at the camera, a small gulp lumping his throat. He prayed a little in his heart and checked the file just to have a spring of dismay itching him. “Armin, I forgot!”

“You _ forgot?” _

“Yeah, I was distracted for a whole lot- christ, Erwin is going to give me an earful,” he whined. 

_ “God, _ what do I do?”

“Maybe…  _ maybe _ you can get a photo of her personally and an interview…” Armin rubbed his chin, his eyebrows knitted in thought. “It’s just a suggestion, so I don’t think-” 

_“Yeah_ … that’s probably the only choice left. I’m going to find her,” Eren shuffled his stand back into a compiled piece, holding it in one hand while he jogged down the seats, careful to not slip on the slippery floor. He could hear his friend crying out behind him as he hurried on. The urge he conveyed wasn’t just for the cause of avoiding Erwin’s chides and to complete his task to save his position. The thrill of seeing her again, in _person_ this time, had just added fuel to the ignited fire. 

________________________________________________________________________

  
  


Mikasa gently propped her tote bag against the wall, seating herself onto the cushioned bench as she leaned to her knees, undoing the close-fitting straps on her figure skates. Her fingers started treading meticulously, the cracking frost that was accumulated at the rocker blade shedding like dead skin from the icicle freezing climate. 

A rouse of excitement was displayed close by as she lifted her view to check it out, gradually losing interest in the conversation as soon as it piqued her curiosity. Mikasa wasn’t one to let herself join in groups, admitting to having comfort in being distanced with the others. She was hushed and reserved, though she did have Jean Kirstein, who was also her dance partner, as a close friend. 

Wasting no time at leaving her thoughts fusing in the air, she wrapped a woolly shawl around her neck and unbraided her long hair, in hopes that the traffic tonight had ceased. 

“Not  _ bad,” _ Annie’s voice murmured next to her. “I heard you were going for the national competition in mid-January. You’re aiming for that reward?”

“Sort of... I need to keep going until I get onto the podium,” Mikasa’s tone shuddered in the slightest. “There’s a lot to do for the competition and this winter performance.”

The instructor gave a light nod. “Take a good rest on your day-off. Come back on Wednesday. Your Axel needs more polishing to it.”

“Understood.” 

With that, she stood up and kicked on her wedge boots, slinging her vermillion bag on. The chatter of excitement from her dance crew was starting to ruffle her feathers as Mikasa let the sound of squeals and laughter drown out her deserted state.  _ Nine. She has to get back home at _ _ nine.  _ Beating herself up with the alarming reminder, she made her way out of the big stadium and let her outcast footsteps ring through the corridor, each sound only ricocheting back to her, and only her. 

Mikasa allowed her daily dose of drowsiness to take over, wearing her structure and motive down. The fluorescent lights served as a consolation, sending winks of soft dazzles in her eyes. To savour this moment was a blessing as she took the unwanted route back to hell, the very place that cuffed her hands to reach out for the tender warmth of euphoria.

Little tears sprouted out from the corners of her eyes as she could only shield herself with her damaged arms, her thoughts broken apart from the distress of going home. Wallowing in her own misery, she didn’t let her mind spare a pondering thought of the extra footsteps hurrying to her.

“Hey! Wait up!” a male called. 

She hesitated in her tracks and turned around. “Hm?” 

A moment of deadly quietness got to her skin as she waited for the stranger to huff, catching his breath from the wintry weather. He stopped panting as he got his hands up from his knees, tightening his fists into his leather-trimmed pockets. Mikasa was greeted by a pair of enticing eyes that flickered from the dancing light, the appealing green colour reminding her of island waters, of English hills and ripe marcescent leaves that would grow near her pane shutters every December. His short fringe was slightly parted from his forehead, soft strands of hair gently wafting in the blast of wind. 

_ Beautiful. He was mesmerizingly beautiful.  _

_ “Hey _ … Can I- can I do an interview with you?” he ruffled his sleeve, “it’s for the weekly magazine. I forgot to take some photos when you were performing…” 

_ “Oh,” _ Mikasa said quietly, tucking her hair behind her ear. “Sure.” 

“Do you want to do it here or-” 

“Anywhere,” she lowered her view to her shuffling boots. “I still have time.” 

The boy seemed to sigh in relief, his angled eyebrows scrunched up as he contemplated onto something. “I know a cafe around this area. It’s not far…”

“Eren!” another boy shouted, “I- why didn’t you wait for me?” he desperately gasped for air, wheezing in wearisome as he jogged slower, his arms flailing around by his side. 

“You okay?” 

“Y-you found her,” he cried out loud, “Thank goodness.”

“Sorry about that… this is my friend, Armin Arlert. I’m Eren Jaeger,” he extended a hand, an eagerness glinting in his affability. 

“I’m Mikasa Ackerman…” she grasped his hand softly and found a little heartening comfort in his warmth. But of course, she dropped it and tucked her freezing palms into her cardigan, a shyness flustering her cheeks.

“Hi,” Armin gave an earnest smile, waving in delight at the new companion. “It’s nice to meet you, Mikasa!” 

“It’s nice to meet you too…” she nodded politely. “Should we get going?” 

“Yeah,” Eren exclaimed, “Let’s go.” 

___________________________________________________________________________

_ The Hideout  _ wasn’t large, but it was stuffed with comfy armchairs and dingy lamps in the miniature compound, a soothing presence to enjoy a mug of frothy coffee and some Battenberg cake, as what Mikasa would prefer if she had the time. It wasn’t so often that she could have this relaxation in spite of her tight schedule, and the certitude that she wasn’t allowed to go out by herself without notice. 

“Two cups of  _ cortado,” _ Armin ordered, taking out his wad of cash. “Eren, do you want anything else?”

A  _ nope _ was uttered out of the photographer before his friend confirmed the list of drinks and delicacies. Mikasa huddled herself into a corner of the couch, well aware of the little vibrations that shuddered from her cell phone. It gave her a disconcerting feeling, an uneasiness that wouldn’t roll off her tired shoulders as she tried her best to concentrate on the questions. 

“-So what’s the goal?” 

“Pardon me…” she apologized, her tongue-tied in embarrassment. “My mind slipped off somewhere. What was your question again?” 

“That's alright,” he scrawled a few notes on his notepad. “I was just asking about your upcoming goal.” 

“I want to win the 2018 Four Continents arriving in January…” she mumbled, closing her mug in with both hands, the evaporating steam clouding her vision. “I do need to give off a good performance this winter as well so everything's pretty hectic.”

“I’m back,” Armin flopped himself onto a couch, getting snuggly against the cushions. “The muffins are out so I got some fruit tarts.” 

“No problem,” Mikasa smiled a little. “Thank you for bringing me here. This is a nice place.”

Eren studied her in his own deliberation as she gave gentle blows to the foam on her drink, her dark eyes watching her own reflection in the misty surface. He hadn’t expected her to be so closed off in person, always avoiding eye contact and physical touch as she crowded her figure in a corner of the room. Though he wouldn’t say it, he did find that a little cute, but that came off irrelevant as he was genuinely more anxious for her being. 

“Mikasa…do you… like being alone?” 

Armin gave him a crucial look as he took a sip of his coffee, his eyes glassy with warning. She paused for a while, her lips pursed in thought. Her blistered fingers drummed the heated porcelain, heavy eyelids cascading over her blank eyes. 

“Yeah,” she shrugged, “I do.” 

“That’s not really the truth, is it?” he said in assurance. 

“Eren,” Armin warned him, “That’s her personal life. Let’s not touch on that.” 

“I was just concerned,” Eren defended, turning to look at Mikasa. “If you really did like being alone, you wouldn’t sound so... crestfallen.” 

She whipped her head away from his gaze, her hands crumpling up her blouse. _Who does he_ _think he is?_

“I-” Mikasa opened her mouth to say something, only to have the words poured into air syllables. “I have to go home. It’s late.” 

She latched her bag onto her elbow and gave a small _ ‘thanks’  _ to the both of them, scurrying out of the coffee house in a flurry of panic. The rain was starting to pelt against the tar roads and sidewalks, a sea of umbrellas slowly arousing from the city, blurry lights melting into the showery sight. 

“Mikasa! Wait!” Eren thundered after her as she stood in the middle of a crowded crossing line, other passer-by’s eyeing them for a brief second before minding their own business. She tightened her belted cardigan, keeping her cold arms warm under the freezing weather. 

“I didn’t mean to-” he twitched his chronograph watch around his wrist in embarrassment. “Please don’t run away like that. I’m sorry about earlier.”

Feeling slightly ashamed herself, she made a quick remark to wrap up the entire incident. “It’s fine. I’m used to questions like this.”

Her voice quavered through the bustling streets, chilly droplets of rain splattering on her silky damp hair. “I’m going to go now, Eren. Goodnight.” 

“Alright. Goodnight...” he murmured, his eyes lost in her indistinct silhouette that vanished through the swarming city life. Eren had wanted to grab her and hold her in place before she could sneak off again, but he restrained himself from acting so irrationally. She gets away so easily that it became aggravating to chase her every time. He heard Armin calling for him in a distance as he shielded himself from the rain, jogging back to the sheltered pavement. _I won’t_ _let her run away next time,_ he prompted himself.

****

_ If there was a next time, that is. _

__

________________________________________________________________________

__

“Good! You’re a natural, Jaeger!” Marco ushered the working party to flash the big spotlight to the blank paper background, the blazing radiance hurting Eren’s eyes as he blinked, swinging the black coat around his shoulder. If he could, he would trade places with any member to get a hold of digital equipment to do the shooting instead. 

“Bertholdt, when are the other models going to switch places with me?” he asked impatiently, sliding himself off the stool. “I don’t want to do this any longer.” 

“Not this week, at least. Erwin’s words,” the backdrop holder shifted the paper coloured wall, replacing it with an unadorned beige. “Please cooperate with us. With you on the main cover, our magazine is going to blow.” 

“Let me at least help the others-” 

“Historia, prep Jaeger up for the next few photos,” Erwin ordered, plucking his USB drive out of the laptop before scowling a little. “Just do as you say, Eren. If you’re going to keep up the complaints, we’ll have to kick you out the crew. I’ll give you access to the digital equipment later on, if we actually need  _ extra _ help.” 

_ “Tch,” _ he clicked his tongue, upset about the entire arrangement. A young female beckoned him over to the make-up stations as he made a dirty face to the mirrors and collection of brushes that awaited to dress him up handsomely. Although quite grouchy about the situation, he made his way over there, hands stuffed in his dress pants. 

“Sit down,” Historia chided softly. “It’ll be quick.” 

“I don’t get him,” Eren mithered, “I’m practically doing nothing for anyone.”

“You’re doing us all a favour by dressing up. Don’t think too much about it,” she whipped out a barber comb and brushed the short tresses of hair apart, clipping his fringe aside. Very prudently, she did extra touches for his jawline and cheekbones while the others arranged parkas and sweaters for the  _ Winter Specials. _

“If I’m going to be just sitting and posing then I’ll switch jobs sooner or later,” he murmured, resting his chin on his positioned arm. “Should I join a travel agency instead?”

A soft sigh came out of Historia. “Please don’t quit. Although we could hire more models, there’s no guarantee that anyone would fit our demands well. So  _ please _ bear with the position for this while...”

_ Of course, he knew that.  _ That was why Erwin forced him into this role and had everyone do the simplest tasks and jobs for him. “Yeah,  _ okay... _ I’ll think about it.

“Thank you,” she smiled. “Speaking of which, do you want to grab some drinks together after work? I drew some new sketches...I mean, we can discuss it if you want- but it’s okay if you’re busy,” she quickly expressed her apology, smoothening the shaggy mess of hair he created due to the fact that he likes to mess it up most of the time.

“After work? Sure. I’ll call Armin over if he’s not planning on night shifts.”

“Okay! Now you gotta go back to the cameras. See you,” she patted his shoulder and hurried off, wheeling the dressing cart to another station. He tightened the tie on his collar before stretching his limbs, simply flopping the fedora hat on as his name was called repeatedly by the director.

“After work, huh...” 

______________________________________________________________________

_ “Jesus,” _ Bozaldo mumbled against his teeth, his gnarled fingers squelching the cellulose sponge. “I don’t get it. Why is it not coming off?” he scoured the glass again, this time much harder in an attempt to obliterate the indelible smudge.

“Oi,” Levi frowned from the interior side of the cafe, “Stop rubbing already.” He looked away from the sullen worker and unhinged his medical mask. “Hange.  _ Four-eyes.  _ Pass the cationic detergent.” 

“Okay!” The enthusiastic assistant shook the bottle, quickly spraying it onto the booths before swinging it to the other side of the room. The chunky object flew clumsily to have Mikasa dodged it before Connie caught it upside down, slippery chemical leaking out of the cap. “Get the cleaning done,” Levi announced, wrapping up the waste. “Customers would come in soon.” 

_ Nine.  _ It was nine in the morning and yet it chewed out a sunken fear that grew on her like vines that coiled up on fences, unable to be set unconfined. Mikasa blinked ever so slowly at the wall clock, her eyes fixated on the slim pointy arrow nearing twelve.  _ It’s alright,  _ she rammed the ghastly feeling down her drained feelings, sucking in a breath to regulate her thoughts. The sweet-smelling fragrance made herself feel a little more secure and restful as she opened the doors and rolled the mat, looping a little bell onto the handle. 

Her work routine kicked off as the world neighbouring her went past in a swivel, hours passing by like minutes, customer after customer entering and leaving with post-haste. It was stupefying, really, to watch things from the little range and give out minimal response to her surroundings.  _ So why… is she going so fast? Everyone’s behind.  _

“Hey!” Sasha screeched as the piping hot water soon overflowed, dribbling all over her gripping hand. Mikasa winced as she let go of the fragile porcelain, the clattering of imploding china hooking everyone’s attention. 

“Dustpan! I need the dustpan!” Connie yelled, startling some chattering individuals.s

“Man,” Hange mourned, “That was some fine collection there.” 

“Sorry,” she apologized in defeat, running sink water over her hand. Her palm had reddened, the light tingles of sparking pain abiding on the scorched area. “I’ll pay for the teacups.” 

“What’s on your mind?” Levi ripped open the plastic and dunk the beverage’s leaves into the mug. “You’ve been spacing out a lot during work. Is it the competition?” 

Mikasa hummed in response, drying the mild wound. “No…it’s just some stupid thought.”

_ “Hm,” _ his thin eyes narrowed in an intuition. She felt her shoulders tensed in restlessness after feeling cornered by the older adult’s intentions. Hurriedly, she took responsibility in carrying the trays and left his side in trepidation, leaving her troubling thoughts unheard-of. As the daylight ceased, a fiery burn of light bleached the city, cleansing through the entire place like a filter. 

“Two hours left to go,” Bozaldo chirped. “I’m going to hit the pub later. Anyone coming along?”

Petra made a face. “No thanks.” 

“Me! Me! _ ” _ Hange raised her arm in glee. “Take me there too!” 

“Sure-”

_ “No,”  _ Levi said in anguish. “You’re cleaning the place with me and Eld after we close the place.” 

_ “ _ Eh? No!” she shrieked, “Get a replacement for today! I’m  _ really  _ itching for some good wine to drink-”

“Responsibility comes first. That’s the policy we keep around,” he reminded her. “There’s no excuse for you to slack off.”

Her whines became louder. “But I-” 

_ “Customer, customer!”  _ Sasha hissed from the entrance, stuffing the rest of her croissant in her mouth before speeding to the back kitchen, cleansing the napkins she was draping outside.

“Holy  _ fuck,”  _ Bozaldo grimaced, “They’re so attractive it’s making me feel real ugly.” 

Mikasa snatched the notepad off the counter and peeled a paper, clicking the ballpoint pen in a rush. She went over to the pair, scribbling the table number as she unshielded her eyes from the clipboard to find a familiar face staring back at her.  _ Eren... Eren Jaeger was his name. _

Upfront, she could see the lady he brought with, a blonde female with sparkling blue eyes that returned the evening beams like gemstones. Fine strands of hair fell to her shoulders, the ends bunched into a small ponytail that flowed down on one of her shoulders. 

“Um… what would you like to order?” she said meekly. 

“Eren, what would you like?” her voice tingled in her ears.

“Huh?” he seemed to snap out of his trance, “hold on...let me check the menu for a bit.” 

“Sorry!” she smiled fondly at the waitress. “We’ll take a minute or two.” 

“No problem.”

The longer she stood there, the more unbearable it became for Mikasa to guard her gaze for he was always sneaking a peek from the booklet to look at her.  _ Don’t stare anymore,  _ she pleaded silently. Gnawing envy started at the pit of her stomach, a feeling that made her longed for a vision that was merely just a fantasy.  _ Such beautiful people with such beautiful lifestyles. _

A hand was placed firmly on her arm. Levi frowned at Mikasa before taking the clipboard out of her hands, blandly muttering a few words to her. 

“I’ll take the order for them. Go help that idiot.” 

“Okay.. _. thank you,” _ she nodded, giving a light tug on his sleeve before scampering away. She would have to thank him for saving her in this uncomfortable position. To think a guy like Eren would possibly pique his interest in someone like her was simply ridiculous to even begin with. 

“Mika!” Hange called, “come here!” 

“Right.” she gave a slightly delayed response. At all costs, she wouldn't want to see him again. If time flows by like that, it might save the effort of wasting buoyant reveries in her wake. 

_ It would all be insignificant, and we'll pass by each other like nothing ever happened.  _

__

__________________________________________________________________________

“I’ll order whatever you order,” Historia closed the book between palms, setting aside her utensils before taking out her iPad pro, delicate fingers tapping on the varicoloured icons. 

“What do you recommend?” Eren eyed the other waiter who replaced Mikasa, an antagonized look shadowing his upturned face. 

“Tea,” he crossed his arms. “We have good tea.”

“Hm… we’ll settle with tea then.”

Quite satisfied with the short conversation, Levi scrawled some words on the clipboard before tossing the material to Connie, starting the brewer again. Eren suspired and gave a search for

Mikasa again just to have her avoid his probing gaze.  _ She ran away… again. _

“Eren, take a look,” Historia slid the device across the table to him as he acknowledged the muddled pieces of fresh art, dissolving into deep discussions for the outfits and models for their company’s establishment. However soon after their conference ended, he found himself drawn to her presence again, his eyes subconsciously following her around. 

“I need to talk to someone. You can go first,” he bid goodbye to his co-worker. “I’ll handle the bill.” 

She stifled a laugh. “No way, idiot. I’m paying.” 

“Come on now, take it as a treat,” he ruffled her hair. “You can take me on a date next time.”

Historia flashed him a heartening beam. “That’s a promise!” 

“Okay okay,” Eren helped pick her bag up. “See you tomorrow.” 

“See ya!” she exited the cafe, capering away with her hair blowing aimlessly in the gust of wind. He made his way to the counter desk, pulling out his trifold wallet as he got the printed receipt from Mikasa, whose head was bowed so lowly that it was impossible to peruse her expression. 

“I didn’t know you work here.” 

“Yeah,” she replied flatly. 

“I was kind of surprised… I mean, you  _ are _ a figure skater,” he wondered aloud. Mikasa caressed the water goblet on her hands, her benign eyes raising a little. 

“I help my cousin quite often,” she clicked the payment terminal. “He owns the cafe here. Even if he insisted, I’d rather not take the money for feeding my rents and skating classes. So I have multiple jobs.” 

“I see…” Eren got his change back, rolling the paper up before wedging it into his pocket. “I’ll assume that the waiter just now was your cousin. Do you live with him?” 

Her fingers twitched in dismay as she realised he had intended to prolong the chat. “No…Levi lives on his own. I don’t want to bug him either. Why do you… why do you ask so much?” 

He rested an arm on the wooden plank. “Who knows… guess I just wanted us to be friends.”

“I don’t think I'll be much of a friend…” Mikasa pulled out a drawer and stacked the paper boxes of tea cartons into the metal tray. “Aren’t you going to leave?” 

“I want to walk you back today,” Eren grinned. “When are you off?” 

“Eh?” she let out an exclaim. “...what’s with the sudden invitation?” 

“Don’t freak,” he laughed softly. “I just wanted to do it.” 

“You’re walking her back?” Levi questioned, an even more rankled look fixed up onto his features as he emerged from the back kitchen. “Are you one of her friends?”

“No, he’s not-”

“Yeah, I’m her friend-” Eren turned and frowned at her. “Am I not?” 

She fumed and cowered in discomposure. “I guess.”

_“Ah,”_ Levi fidgeted with the knots on his apron before a terrorizing scowl overcame his unchanging frown. _“Shitty glasses._ You tied a dead knot. Get the _fuck_ over here.” 

“Anyways,” Eren resumed. “When are you leaving? I can wait for you.” 

“You’re really going to fetch me home?” she took a hold of her braided hair and stroked it with her fingers. “I’m…but I’m taking the subway-”

“That’s not a problem. I’ll walk you to the subway then.”

“...really?” Mikasa’s voice subsided into a stifled squeak. “Are you sure-”

“I think that’s kind of obvious by now, Ackerman,” he teased. “See you in an hour then.”

___________________________________________________________________________

Mikasa cleansed the hard-paste porcelain before plugging out the stopper, draining the soapy liquid out from the dishwasher. Recollecting her shawl and coat, she allowed the starry night to invite her in its tranquil enclasp, warding off her forlorn gaze to the tall figure awaiting underneath the shadows, his fur-lined overcoat making a soft rustling sound as he moved. 

“You actually waited.”

“It wasn’t that hard,” Eren looked down at the plastic bags he carried. “I explored this area a little and got some gelatin. Here’s some for you.”

A benumbed look cleared her unvarying face. “You bought something for me? I- I’m not that hungry… there’s no need to treat me next time.” 

“Don’t call it a waste,” he forced the plastic bag onto her hands as they began their stroll, “You can always eat it later as long as you keep it in the cold.” 

Mikasa made a noise with her tongue. _ “Thanks…” _ __

They passed by some DVD rental stores, glancing at some trending movies, the stinging breeze hitting onto their faces as they crossed the roads, car honks and the occasional alarm from an ambulance discolouring into the humming night.

“Is your home far away?” 

“It’s a distance, but I wouldn’t say it’s far…” she murmured, watching the dessert in the plastic holder. _ Gelatin. _ The last time she ate it was when her mother was still around by her side, preparing the usual late-night snack for her bedtime hour... _ Those were certainly good times. _

“I bet you live with your parents,” Eren chuckled, unwrapping his treat. “My mom refuses to let me have my own place, but perhaps I’ll get a house later on. What about you?” 

“My parents are… dead. I live with my foster dad.” 

His glistening eyes were instantaneously engulfed into an understanding bridge. “I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have brought that up. My bad.” 

Mikasa pursed her lips, a sigh exhaling out from her unease chest. “Don’t apologise for that. It's okay if you asked.” 

He moved his position closer to her. “How… what happened?” 

“My mom…” she paused, welding out the growing sadness. “She- she was hit by a driver when she was going to pick me up from school. After her funeral, my father left me with a friend because he didn’t want to raise me by himself... I think... he died a decade after the incident from a fatal disease.” 

“How are you doing now?” 

A pang of desolation crawled up to her miserable state, numbing chills running down her spine. No one ever said _ ‘how are you doing now?’  _ when she spoke about her dreading past. Tired of hearing apologies, she was quite taken aback from his consolation. 

“I’m okay.” 

Eren raised a brow. He was walking even closer to her now, his hand touching her palm slightly. She appreciated the comfort and they went silent as the walk continued, Mikasa, embracing her forearms in the freezing cold. They descended down a pair of stairs, the tenebrous tunnel guiding them to a dimly lit compound, stray metal benches aligning on the stops. Old slot machines were placed near the public toilet as she went to slip a dollar into the given gap, receiving a ticket in return. 

“I’ll be going now,” she mumbled.

“Take care,” he followed her all the way to the train, the advertisements sticking at the side of the transport shredded and torn from the passing of time. “I’ll see you around.” 

The sliding doors opened, plastic blue seats unoccupied and stray from the other citizens. Mikasa stepped in prudently, slinging her bag tighter on her sore shoulder.  _ That was when he _ _ saw it.  _ A light curve began at the corner of her lips before it split into a gentle bow, her cheeks coming into a soft dainty colour as her glossy hair danced as the wind blew, those dark grey eyes finally letting out a suppressed emotion. 

_ “Thank you.” _

When the doors gave a light click, it was only when he fell out of his senseless state, blinking in disbelief at the sight he saw. It was the exact same smile she wore when he first saw her in the ice rink, the coloured lights gleaming onto her carefree expression.  _ Enchanting. _ __

_ I want to see it again.  _

__

“Guess I’ll walk her back home tomorrow.” 

__________________________________________________________________________

“Let’s try that again,” Annie instructed, “it’s a little clumsy.”

“Okay,” Mikasa steadied her footing on the uneven balance, leaping into the air as gravity soon dragged her down to her feet as the feeble coating of frost cracked under the shoe blades, polishing out a wet surface. It was not up to perfection, but she was satisfied with the minimal improvement. 

“Better. Your lesson will continue tomorrow. Call Jean in if you do see him,” she dusted the flakes off the stretchable material. “He’s probably late as always.” 

“Sure, I’ll do that.” 

Mikasa glissaded across the large ice rink, the warm rinse of afternoon light refining from the crystal panes above, the scintillating colour hurting her eyes as she fluttered her eyelids, red blossoming from the pitch-black darkness. She seized the metal poles and skidded herself to the ice bank, finally escaping out the rink.

“Hey,” Jean grinned, cracking his knuckles as he shook his sensor gloves. “How’s your class?” 

“It’s good,” she pulled a face, “I could do better if I just concentrate a little more…”

_ “Huh,” _ he smirked. “Any guys on your mind?” 

“There _ is _ one… he’s been walking me back home almost every day if I’m working at Levi’s cafe,” she played with the ends of her hair. “It’s been a week and a half since he’s doing that.” 

“Now that’s pretty surprising…” Jean lowered his gaze, a frown peeping out his blank expression. “Who’s this guy?” 

“Some photographer that wanted to be friends,” Mikasa shrugged, zipping her blazer up. “He’s always waiting around ever since he walked me home.” 

“Sounds like some creep.” 

“I don’t think he’s that bad,” she pondered. “Anyways, I have to head home. Have fun, Jean.” 

A flush tinted from his pale cheeks. “You too, Mikasa…” 

She hurried out the exit doors, her battered chuck taylor's squeaking against the newly scrubbed flooring. Her phone made a popping noise as the bar drooped over her notifications, an unforeseen number greeting her in the list of contacts. 

**-hey! It's Eren-**

_ -how did you get my number?- _

**-i got it from armin-**

_ -oh.- _

**-anyways, i heard that you weren’t at the cafe today. Mr ackerman says so-**

**-** _ yea, i’m having practice at the ice rink- _ __

__

_ - _ **you’re going home alone? Do you want me to drop by?-**

_ -no thanks, i’ll be okay by myself. You don’t have to do this every time.- _

__

_ - _ **alright then…-**

**-** _ bye- _ __

**-bye bye!-**

Mikasa deferred in front of the door, the very door that was a one way ticket to swarming hell itself. Her hand dithered on the chipped handle as she swallowed a thriving fear, the snappy atmosphere benumbing her fingers as they turned the metal down slowly. Her steps havered, her mind stimulating sharp awareness as dullness ingested her being. 

Her apartment was eerily dark, pine green shadowing the light as some of the paint had been flaked thoroughly. There were almost no windows except for the shutters built near the kitchen sink, piles of cooking implements hoarding the tiny stove. The station connecting to the television had seemed to disengage, a sizzling sound coming out of the broken box. 

“Took you long enough.”

The rumble of a voice echoed through the miniature room, tinkering a foreboding panic. 

“The traffic was harsh,” she whispered, “I couldn’t come home in time.” 

Hm,” her foster dad made his way down the stairs, shuffling the ringlet of bills in his hands. “The landlord is asking again. Seems like you need to drop your figure skating classes sooner or later.” 

“I  _ can’t  _ drop my classes… it’s very important for my upcoming competition,” her voice quavered, biting hold of the brutality she had secured. 

“Yeah fuck that, Mikasa. Those street gangs are going to rob me if the cheque doesn’t get repaid. Where would we live? Do you want to stay near the dumps and eat scraps?” he spat, making his way to her. Her glossy eyes lowered to his hand as her heart flitted in her chest, blenching at the sight of the rubber belt he held. 

“No… but I told you already. If I win the four continents, I can pay off the debt with the reward-” she gasped slightly at his unyielding grip on her shoulder. 

“Are you sure you can win?” his bloodshot eyes scoured for an answer in her frightened state. Her lips trembled, opening and closing in a panic. 

“Y-yea,” Mikasa flinched at his unsatisfied response. “I…I promise.” 

“That’s better,” he let go of her and coiled up his belt. “After all, kitten, I am the only person left in this world that would take you in. No other person would do such a generous thing… you do know why all this happened, right?” 

“N-no,” she unpacked the leftovers from the fridge. 

“Tch, you really are a stupid girl. Everything that’s happening to you now is because of your sin. Your mother died for you. You practically killed her.”

Streaks of memories smouldered through her head in an instant as the faint sound of battering rainwater came into reminiscence, the loud clash of thunder reverberating a core memory. _ It _ _ was all too familiar to begin with.  _ That day she was so afraid to take the bus home, she pleaded with her mother to collect her just so she wouldn’t need to find a seat in a public transport. _ If _ _ only...if only she had taken the bus home… _

“I didn’t kill her…” she said quietly, “it-it was an accident-” 

_ “You did,” _ he murmured grimly. “The fault begins with you. Your hands... were stained with your mother’s blood.”

Mikasa had lost her appetite. She cowered in dread, the guilt immersing deep into her bones. _ “No... _ It wasn’t… it couldn’t have been my fault…”

“Don’t deny it,” he scowled and kicked the buzzing television. “That’s why your dad left. All these burdens… were your own doing. You reap what you sow.”

Light trickles of tears glistened from her eyes as her lips trembled.  _ Maybe he was right… no, he _ _ couldn't be right... But if only she hadn’t made the phone call… _

“But… but it was really a misfortune! I didn’t know it would happen!” 

“You could’ve avoided it, you dumb fuck! Get that in your head!” he bellowed. A soft gasp came out of Mikasa.  _ It was true… right? _

_ She really did kill her mother.  _

___________________________________________________________________________

“Is she coming?” Armin asked as the hood fell off his head, a scud of easterly breeze sweeping his bob cut past his neck. Eren looked over at the sidewalk where the train station was, giving a chime at the new estate. 

“She said she would come…” 

“It’s okay, we’ll wait a little while longer,” he reassured. “It was your idea to bring Mikasa along, huh?” 

“Yeah, she seems a little down the past week,” his face started to cloud as he spoke, “She doesn’t even look or talk to me when I walk her home-” 

“Is that her?” Armin interjected as a female hurriedly scaled down the stairs, looking around in search of the two. He put a hand up and waved blithely at her. Mikasa whipped her head to the left and spotted them right away near the conjunction. 

_ “Sorry _ … I was a little late,” her face contorted sadly, lifting a hand to caress her other arm. “I hope you didn’t have to wait too long, I had some things to do-” 

“Stop,” Eren chided softly. “You don’t say anything more... don’t apologize again. In fact, forget about the delay. Come on,” he offered a smile and grabbed her wrist. “Let’s go.”

Mikasa stared at his towering figure as he pulled her along, Armin struggling to keep up from behind as he tried to keep his hair out of the way _._ An easing calmness shrouded her softly as the light draped over her eyelids, fluorescents in every corner of her sight. _This feeling… she_ _wanted to make it last._

__

The arcade was on the section below the shopping complex, tucked in a corner near the parking lot. Neon lights of pink and blue flashed everywhere, the iconic theme songs playing from the colourful booths as people hunched themselves over the plastic seats, their eyes glued to the broad-casting screens.

“I want to try Pac-Man out,” Armin tugged onto Eren’s sleeve, “It’s right around that corner.”

“Classic,” he cheered, “Mikasa, where do you want to go afterwards?” 

“Me…?” a glint of deliberating thoughts showered upon her face. “I don’t know…” 

“That’s okay,” Armin grinned. “We can try different ones all together. Is that alright with you?” 

She answered inaudibly, a warm heat growing onto her cheeks as she felt his hand still wrapped around her feverish palm. The blonde boy got onto the seat and rolled in a few coins, the screen popping up a set of gaming rules. Clicking furiously on the fixed in panel, the yellow pixelated figure started yapping around the map. Eren got onto a booth himself and rested a leg onto the cushioned chair, playing the game with ease as he laughed at his friend’s struggles.

Mikasa watched them with great interest, her tired eyes engrossed onto the blinking figures.

Feeling the sudden impulse, her fingers were starting to itch in getting a control panel herself. She hopped onto a gaming station next to Eren, squinting at the instructions as the rattle of coins fell into the slot. 

“Hm...” Mikasa stared at the red buttons, her eyebrows scrunched. “Eren… I- don’t know how to play this. Can you… teach me?” 

He looked over at her, smashing the buttons effortlessly. “Sure, I’ll end my game first.” 

She watched his fingers fly over the board as she paid supplementary attention to the pattern he was using to escape the other pixelated figures. A victory was claimed as Eren switched his attention to her, leaning closer to her seating position. Mikasa squirmed a little as he got nearer, relaxing his posture above her head. 

“I’ll play a round for you. Put your hands above mine,” he gestured, “you’ll learn quicker this way. Well that’s how I taught Historia.” 

_ Historia? Was it that girl?  _ She let her thoughts stay muted as her small hands gripped onto his, picking up the controls and tricks she can use as the game suddenly grasped her full attention. Eren allowed her to try a few rounds by herself and Mikasa accepted it delightfully, letting her intuition lead the way.

“That was fun…” she sighed, ending the game as it required more coins. 

“Armin! Run!”

“I-I’m trying!” he clutched onto the red handle, jerking it up and down. A bubbly music played out of the booth, signalling the end of the final round.

“We should try to get one of those toys,” Eren gazed afar, “The last time I tried, it didn’t work out.” 

“You were so furious,” his friend grinned carelessly at the thought. “I thought you were going to go on a rampage just because the machine wouldn’t get you the toy.” 

“I’m not that childish,” he grumpily responded and left the two of them standing there, holding back their sneaky sniggering.

“Is he always like that?” Mikasa wondered, smiling a little. “It’s a little funny to see the uncomposed side of him.”

“He loses his cool sometimes,” Armin quickly followed, “We should try and stop him from raging.” 

“Yeah…” 

Eren was triumphant after a few tries, the loose cuffs finally scooping up the little white rabbit as it tumbled out of the given slot. He picked it up and stared at the toy before his eyes landed on Mikasa. 

“For you,” he put a hand into his pocket, pressing the gift to her arm. She was caught in bewilderment as she cupped the present in her hands, a ripple of embarrassment overcasting her delicate features as a twinkle of beam grew on her lips. She didn’t get to thank him before he merrily jogged to the enclosure where a seat was given for two players, a type of station where an apocalypse game would be taking place. 

Armin noticed the close fitting compound and he quickly made an excuse. “I’m going to get club sandwiches for us. I’ll be back later, yeah?”

“Huh?” Eren stated in confusion. “I thought he wanted to play this one with me…” 

_ “Um,”  _ Mikasa stroked her sweater, “I don’t suppose-” 

“Guess you’ll fill in,” he took her hand and guided her into the small booth with him, lifting the other plastic MG42 to her. “All you gotta do is target those ugly-looking shits.” 

_ “ _ What? I don’t even know how to fire-” 

“Just follow the red dot,” Eren advised. “It’s okay if we don’t make the win.” 

The announcer of the game counted down as the station worked its settings, reviewing a landscape where graphic looking zombies started advancing onto them. She tried her best to aim, but she only got a few of her opponents down before her bullets were used up, leaving her to spectate the rest of the match. 

Mikasa sat in quietude as she soon realised that the throng of people around them went somewhat hushed as her shell soon only revolved around the place she was in, the sharp breathing of Eren turning into the only sound resonating in her ears, escalating the pulse of her heartbeat. She watched him in serenity, his dark eyes that scintillate the blaring flare of lights, the slight curve that went down his cheeks, his slender fingers that clasp onto the trigger.  _ He _ _ was more beautiful than she thought.  _

It really is a mystery, the way he can lift her up to a certain comfort, the way he can shake off the folds of distress she kept around.  _ Why didn’t he leave her? _ He should know that Mikasa didn’t want them to be friends at all… she even ignored him the past week as he walked her back to the subway, keeping watch over her safety. Was he… actually serious about being good friends? Why did he…? But she knew whatever the reason was, one thing was unequivocal.  __

__

_Eren made her happy._ He made her smile, he made her laugh. She had already forgotten the numb sensation of having her lips stretched to her cheeks a long time ago. But each time it happened, it brought back a blissful memory of a paradise she used to have. _Mikasa loves it._

__

Watching him from a close angle, it was all so clear now. _She wanted to be best friends with_ _him… she wanted to be close…_

__

Eren jolted as he felt a face being pressed to his arm, small fingers curling onto his thick jacket.

He froze at his spot as he lowered the equipment on his hand, peeking at her from his range. Her eyes were fluttered close, her nose wrinkling as she enjoyed the warmth he brought. 

_ “Thank you for everything…”  _ she murmured softly. “Thank you for… making me smile…” 

Before he knew it, the game had already ended when Eren dipped his head down to rest his own head on hers, gently squeezing her hand in response to her gratitude. 

_________________________________________________________________________

Early December had already attended to the city as the weather rolled down, light frost fissuring on the lakes and ponds, cloudy skies taking over the mornings more than usual. Every once in a sight, the slightest hint of snow could be seen padding the roads under the flaming red blossoms, drizzling the mild winter in some cold evenings. 

“Take this,” Levi knotted the plaid scarf around Hange’s neck, “stop going outside without one. You’re going to catch a cold.” 

“I’ll be fine!” she slipped it off and coiled the snug clothing onto Petra’s shoulders instead. “My dear Petra is the one who needs this. Okay, I gotta run! Moblit, I’ll take your car!” 

Levi made a clicking noise before scowling off towards the seating booth, clustering a shady temper. “How annoying…” 

Sasha dumped the handful of baking soda into the measuring equipment and whipped the ingredients into a tender paste before filling it into the aluminium cuttings, Mikasa helping to switch the oven on with the right temperature given. The cafe was particularly busy on a Sunday, the arrival of new customers coming in like a never ending loop as the afternoon ticked by. 

“Table four!” Connie opened up the single shutter and slid the tray through, hitting the nearby bell. “Three new orders up, Sasha!” 

Mikasa swept the metal up and served the toast and tea quickly, finishing task after task as her thoughts transpose with each other, kindling onto memories of Eren instead. She thought of the way he liked to look at the sunset when they were strolling to the subway, the shrewd glow outlining his tanned skin as he would silently admire the view with a far off gaze, the beams dancing in his eyes- 

“Oi,” Levi nudged her arm,  _ “Oi, _ Mikasa. What’s up with you?” 

Sasha stared at her dumbfounded, her hands and face dusted with flour. Petra was smiling softly at her, and Eld seemed slightly agape at her expression. 

“Is there… something on my face?” Mikasa touched her cheek swiftly. “I don’t-” 

“You were  _ smiling  _ just now…” Levi muttered, “We’ve never seen you-  _ do that…” _

Her face flushed in discomfiture, flabbergasted at the comments. “Is it that- em,  _ weird?”  _

Petra laughed nimbly, passing by her at a standard pace. “Of course not, silly. What makes you think that smiling is weird?” 

“I... I don’t do that often, so I thought maybe it would be quite bizarre,” Mikasa said sheepishly, rubbing the woolly fabric of her blouse. 

“You can’t be serious,” Levi called, “No one should be offended by it. You have the right to be happy.” 

“This is coming from someone who doesn’t smile, right?” Petra teased jokingly, punching him heedlessly on the arm. “You should smile more too, Levi. Just as you said.” 

“Go back to work,” he ruffled her hair affectionately before picking up a phone call from one of his other cafes, muttering quietly to the receiver. 

“But anyways, Mikasa…” she resumed her conversation with her, “Levi was right. Because if you were to ask me… I’d be quite upset if you were to shield off your laughter and smile forever. Everyone thinks so too.” 

“They do?” she said meekly as her gaze lifted, a little indecisive with the abrupt conclusion. “But it’s not like this is something special-” 

“Oh, trust me,” Petra scribbled an order before nipping it on a wooden clip. “When someone doesn’t do something often, it becomes  _ special.  _ It’s a natural occurrence.” 

The doorbell clincked, a new customer scooting in through the weighted door. Mikasa almost skidded as she quickly rushed off to the kitchens where the washroom was installed, cleaning her face of flour and sweat. She found herself doing this more habitually, trying to look clean and neat. She would sprung at her phone early in the morning just to receive his good morning texts with a witless smile plastered onto her tired face, never failing to gladden the start of her day. 

“Hey… where’s she?” Eren’s voice called through the place. 

“Attractive bastard is back,” Bozaldo sighed in annoyance, “what a pain to see him around…” 

Mikasa shrugged tacitly, taking her purse in a hand. “I’ll be going now, guys.” 

“Good work, Mikasa!” Connie cheered from behind.

“See you tomorrow,” Eld waved and patted her shoulder. “You should get your payment anytime now…” 

“See ya, Mika!” Sasha rally her joy, “good luck with practice!” 

“Go have fun,” Levi mused from the corner, “You need a break every now and then.” 

A fall of geniality fluttered down her shoulders, and the weather around her had suddenly commuted into a soft breeze of comfort, with everyone’s amiable smiles and laughter dosing her into a trance. She blinked, watching the stream of silky glow dawning onto them.  _ How did she not notice all this before? This feels like… family.  _

Mikasa smiled, a stifled laugh escaping her. _ “Thank you,”  _ she could hear her voice starting to tremble,  _ “…so _ , so much…” 

Eren became alarmed and handed her a packet of tissues, which her friends quickly helped soothed her heart-rending state, giving her comfort hugs and warmth. In a cocoon of embrace, she opened up the closed section of her heart and let the endearment seeped in… 

________________________________________________________________________

Mikasa swaddled her fingers around the veil of satin, blood red carnations flopping over the lightest breeze, splendent rosewood fading near the stem. It was December 14th, the day she would visit the grave with new flowers. Vague memories came by as she remembered her mother passing away in that ward with  peristaltic pumps stuck to her arms and head, the slow beep of the monitoring shrouding the cold atmosphere as Mikasa went to grab her lifeless hand…

“-there you are,” Eren tugged her back to reality, “let’s go now…” 

“Mmh,” she nodded and made her way through the landscape, flourished green padding the earth surfacing with a fresh thicket of snow, covering the engraved words on the stone. But Mikasa did not need to see the embedded name. She had the route imprinted in her mind thanks to the countless visits she made, bringing the same red carnations and weighing guilt that wouldn’t detach itself. 

They stopped at the third row, a grave much shorter than the rest, with withered flowers and the stench of honeysuckle hovering in the icy atmosphere. Mikasa crouched and propped a knee up, emptying the plastic to fill it with the new bundle of flowers. Eren kneeled quietly with her, his usual talkativeness branching down to the grief he shared together. 

“Were these her favourite?” he mumbled softly. 

“Yeah,” she stroked the petals, “they used to be my favourite as well because I like to pick up habits and interests from her…” 

He brushed the snow away from her stone grave. “You know… this gives me shudders as well. To think of my mom in a casket five feet underground… it gives me chills.” 

Mikasa hummed in an alleviating tone and sat cross legged, bringing herself closer. “Right… I stood a distance away from this spot, watching the workers lower it into the dirt with shovels. Everyone was comforting me…” 

“Was your father present?” 

“He was… he didn’t shed a single tear, nor was he enraged. All he did was smile, and he smiled all the way with blank eyes… I should’ve known that it was his way of saying goodbye.” 

“Your foster dad...what’s he like?” Eren murmured, “I’d like to pay a visit some day…” 

“Um…  _ well,” _ Mikasa swallowed, “he’s alright. He doesn’t like visits from anyone else though, so I don’t think you’ll get to meet him.” 

“A pity,” the male frowned. “Tell me more about your mom.” 

She smiled softly at him. “ _ Beautiful.  _ She was so beautiful, and so good at handling the family. My mother knew just how to settle an argument, to comfort someone, to help everyone out… she was a role model in her attitude and discipline.” 

“Sounds like my mom,” he chuckled, “reminds me a lot of her. I’m sure you’ll like my family when you come over for christmas break.” 

“Yeah,” Mikasa gave a sweeping glance to the beaded snow that landed on the carnations. “I’m sure I’ll love the visit.” 

She paused before continuing, a dusk of regret forecasting on her eyes. “Eren… do you- do you  _ think _ she would be proud of me for making this far?” 

“More than proud,” he took her gloved hand, “she’s probably watching you up there.” 

“You think she’s…watching me?” 

The both of them glanced up as the hazy clouds disseminated in a fall of flaky snow, dotting their surroundings as Mikasa dusted his hair with a hand, causing him to take her laughing figure in surprise. She let out small breaths as the cold numbed her jaw, fluttering her eyes shut as a prickling sensation landed on her cheek - a delicate caress of winter affection. 

Eren gaped at the relentless sky, sticking out a hand. “There’s snowflakes…” 

Countless frosts came dancing down the graveyard, almost like a consoling shower, a gentle response to the weight of her thoughts. A fragile snowflake landed on the tip of Mikasa’s nose, shuddering slightly at its frail presence before tipping over and melted right on her balmy hand. 

A smile surpassed on her face. “You’re right… she’s definitely viewing me from above.” 

“Come on,” he took her arm and pulled her up swiftly, “let’s grab some food.” 

“Okay!” she stretched her sore knees, “let’s get gelatin.”

“That again?” he laughed, “won’t you ever get tired of it?” 

_ “Never,”  _ Mikasa fastened an arm around his and dragged him to the stall, “I’d never get tired of it.” 

_________________________________________________________________________

“Jean,” Mikasa waved, “this is Eren Jaeger. Eren, this is Jean Kirstein…” 

The man ruffled his straw hair and made a disgruntled look. He unbelted the tight straps of his skates and veered the pair to a corner, standing up to the stranger with his hands bunched into stiffened fists.

“So this is  _ Eren,”  _ his voice forthcoming into a strangled tone, “it’s a pleasure…” 

The other man detected the irksome vibe before keeping his amiability in place. “Yeah, okay.” 

Mikasa frowned and pulled the both of them closer. “Shake hands, guys.” 

Eren stuck out a hand, glancing aside. The skater seemed to narrow his brows in difficulty, clasping his fingers tightly as he took the greeting in an antagonistic manner. A tough squeeze crushed his knuckles before the two of them let go of the unbearable exchange, each wiping their hands on their clothing. 

“I…sorry about that, Jean. I’ll see you on Thursday,” she excused the frazzled moment and brought Eren away to the rack of skates, drawing him aside.

“What was that about?” Mikasa asked conscientiously, “did something happen before between you two?” 

“No,” he clamped his hands together, “he just gives off bad hunches. I don’t like him either way.” 

She sighed and pulled him down onto the plastic seats. “Please don’t agitate him… Jean is my good friend, I don’t want the both of you to try and claw each other’s necks all the time now that you’re around most days.” 

“If he doesn’t back off first, I won’t tolerate his presence.” 

Mikasa reached for his hand and stroked his fingers lightly. “Just don’t try and fight him…  _ promise me?”  _

“Fine, fine, whatever you say,” Eren grunted, infuriated with the bumpy match up. “I won’t snap at him unless I have to.” 

“Thank you…” she smoothened his hair in a gentle brush, “I appreciate it.” 

“You say _ ‘thank you’  _ too much, Mikasa,” he shared a lopsided grin with her. “Might need to remove that little habit, you know.” 

She laughed quietly. “Yeah, I should do that, huh…” 

She stood up and skimmed through the ice rink before reaching for the pair of skaters, slipping it on with ease as Mikasa held her footing steadily, weighing herself on the attenuate blades. Eren watched her as she unhinged the metal, allowing herself to glide through the compound as the familiar twinkle of music dredged the surrounding in a harmonious play, bringing her performance into existence. 

A gust rushed by and her velvety hair flew like silk curtains, the crunching sound of ice sending a quickened pulse to him as he felt more absorbed into her figure skating, his eyes attentively following her dainty movements. She did a toe loop and sprinted smoothly, her smile igniting the lively elegance. 

“Your show never fail to shake me away,” he commented after the scene faded. “I love seeing you skate.” 

“Thank you...it’s not really as good as it seems, but-” 

Eren raised a brow. “What did I say?” 

“Sorry, I’m just used to thanking people often and then bringing myself down,” Mikasa mumbled, “I don’t know how to receive compliments properly.” 

“Just take it,” he grinned, “trust your capability.”

“I tried,” she sighed faintly, “it just seems so far… from what it really is…” 

_ “Hey,”  _ he snapped his fingers in front of her, “you know your worth. You’re  _ amazing  _ out there, Mikasa. You don’t need to overthink anything, because what is there to ponder and doubt?  _ It is what it is.”  _

Her gentle gaze fell onto her own hands as she pursed her lips, finally lifting it up just to meet an encouraging smile, the burning luminance in his eyes forcing out the piece of confidence she needed. Tilting her head up, her lips curved gingerly and she beamed- an unperturbed smile that stayed on her face. 

“Right… but even so, I’ll try not to be overconfident for the January intake,” Mikasa clutched his hand, “I’d like to trust my capabilities…” 

Eren grasped her hand back tightly. “If you can’t believe in yourself,  _ believe in me.”  _

She stared at him in utter silence before taking her other hand, clasping onto his. “I will.” 

“That’s right,” he chuckled proudly, “Believe in the _ both _ of us... alright, seems like you need to get back out there. Dance for me again?” 

An idea flickered past her mind as Mikasa got out of the ice rink, pulling Eren to the rack. “Dance with me instead?” 

He looked at her, dumbfounded, before the same idea struck him. Quite disconcerted, he laughed it off. “I don’t skate, Mikasa! I’ve never tried-” 

“I’ll teach you,” she dragged a pair before forcing him to sit, wearing his boots off. He got a bit flustered and had an internal panic as the skates fit uncomfortably in his ankles and toes, leaving quite the compact space to wiggle his movements. 

“Come,  _ stand,” _ she wringed the lace on the padding, “I’ll support you.” 

Eren grabbed her hands and mouthed curse words as his feet wobbled clumsily, his knees quaking on the disproportion stability. “I might as well wear high heels-  _ don’t- _ I’m going to fall-” 

“Easy,” she snickered a little, “take my arm and we’ll go together.” 

“Laughing at me, aren’t you?” he huffed and scrutinised his feet, “I’ll get back at you for this, you- don’t let go of my hand!” 

They got eight steps done with difficulty, Mikasa trying not to burst into giggles as they got inside the wintry embrace, shivers running up the atmosphere. From above, the hint of blazing light dawned on them like a shower of broken crystals, golden sparkles fluttering in the air. A slow dance music played from the speakers, christmas bells ringing in their presence. 

“...position your legs with your shoulders,” she guided him, “like this.” 

He almost tripped as he grabbed her hand roughly when Mikasa tried to let go again, gliding effortlessly in a demonstration for him. 

“Hey… don’t go so fast… I’ll fall-” he felt his balance going off again, “stay closer.” 

“Okay… just move your feet in separate directions,” she pulled him gently, “yeah, that’s it.” 

“It’s still off balance…” he grunted under his breath, slightly pissed. “My ankles are going to shatter, for god’s sake-” 

“You won’t fall,” Mikasa patted him on the arm, “practice makes progress, eventually.”

“That’s not guaranteed!” he screeched as he glided carelessly, “if I land on my  _ ass _ \- I’m murdering you after this- shit, hold me-” 

She bit her tongue before doubling over her stomach, a genuine laughter escaping from those tinted lips, her cheeks glowing a soft red. The chiming music died down around Eren as his vision went focused on her figure, just like a camera would, the tingling giggles leaving an immobilizer stun on his ears, her small frame glinting in his eyes. 

“I’m sorry-” she bursted into hysterics, gently brushing a finger over her eyes. “You’re just so funny- I can’t stop-” 

“D-don’t laugh,” he flushed, speechless. “I’m new to this…” 

_ “Eren,”  _ Mikasa went closer and entwined her fingers with his,  _ “as long as you hold me, you won’t fall... I promise.”  _

“You mean that?” he shuffled his footing and leaned closer to her for support. “This is terrifying.” 

“Yeah,” she tugged him forward as he started to glide more smoothly in her control, “stick with me, and you’ll be good.” 

Eren smiled to himself as he admired her long hair swaying from behind, her small hand squeezing the warmth out of his own as he felt more ease with the slicing blades cutting through the light frost.  _ I trust you, Mikasa.  _

_________________________________________________________________________

“Merry Christmas, Petra,” Levi drawled, handing her a box with a ribbon stashed on the lid, a radiant wrapper neatly folded on the corners and below. Hange popped in the interaction and rested a hand on her friend’s shoulder, creeping from the behind to take a peek.

“What’d he got for you?” she fizzed with eagerness, “Open it!” 

Petra gave an uplifting smile and neatly unfastened the satin, revealing a cardboard box. She snapped the tape open and pulled out a miniature statue of an adorable snowman that fitted her palm nicely. Black beady eyes were painted on the figurine, a little beanie perched on the top with a knitted sweater buttoned on.

“Thank you so much,” Petra stashed it gently into her bag, “it’s really cute.” 

“What the  _ fuck _ was that,” Hange sniggered, “that’s so-  _ creepy  _ of you-” 

“Shut up,” Levi snapped. 

“So,” she grinned, “what did you get for me?” 

“Hm? I didn’t get anything for you.” 

_ “Ouch,”  _ Hange pouted,  _ “why you gotta be so rude-”  _

Mikasa tapped her on the shoulder, grabbing her attention quickly. Her hands held a bag that seemed to be filled to the rim with all sorts of chocolates, the thin plastic fragile and lightly shredded on the handles. 

“From Moblit,” she smiled sincerely at the assistant, “he was going to the city festival. Do you want to join him?” 

Hange’s face lit up in joy as she took the bag full of candies. “Boy, I’m going to stuff myself tonight. Oh my god, oh my god, I need to leave right now or I’ll be late-  _ SOMEONE HELP ME FIND MY BAG-”  _

“Oi, where are you going?” Levi pulled her collar back, making her whine in exasperation. “Aren’t you supposed to drop by the stores before going around the city with me?” 

“No one cares about the _ fucking _ stores, it’s Christmas-  _ hey!” _ she yelled as he grabbed her hand, dragging her out of the cafe. Mikasa slipped off quietly as she enforced her smile back at the two, packing the boxes up before tucking her flimsy hair into her trapper hat, waiting for Eren to pick her up. 

Snow was now heavily pelting on the roads and buildings, the neighbouring splashed off with showers of pure white, light trickles of bells and car honks spiraling somewhat hushedly in the winter city, dazzling flashes of fairy lights glinting in the ill-lit night. Customers and strangers spurred by briskly, frivolous chatters humming in Mikasa’s ears, dotting flakes falling at a tender pace. 

“Hey...the cars were jammed at the incoming blizzard so I had a little trouble,” Eren arrived in a hurtle, “should we get going?” 

She angled her chin upwards, smiling softly at him. “Yeah, let’s go.” 

He wore a cowl that buried his neck in warmth, a thick coat trimmed with gray fur on the collar that hugged his torso tight with a gray sweater in comfort. His eyes traveled to hers as she found herself outstaring him in admiration, those brilliant colors shimmering in her cold ones…

“Sorry,” she rubbed her neck, “I was just zoning out.” 

“That’s okay,” Eren gripped her hand, “if you’re cold, you can hold onto me.” 

“I think that’s hardly appropriate-” Mikasa blabbered in a face full of shyness, “I don’t mean it in a bad way! It’s just embarrassing- to hold-” 

“But you never mind it before,” he walked closer, searching for an evident answer. “Are you uncomfortable with me being touchy? I won’t do it if you dislike-” 

“No, no! I… kind of like it, but… I don’t know…” she bit her lip, “let’s just drop the subject.” 

Eren blinked, before snickering to himself. He purposely edged nearer and interlinked his rough fingers to her slim ones, lifting their joint embrace to his lips as he bent and kissed the tips of her fingers. A lively red tinged her cheeks as Mikasa squirmed, fixating her gaze to her shawl in utter embarrassment, securing her attention away. 

“Come on… let’s go to your place.” 

He laughed and smirked quietly. “Alright, alright.” 

_________________________________________________________________________

“This is… your room?” she looked around in wonder, marvelling the sleek-fashioned built in, glowing string lights hanging from the shutters. Wrapped up presents were scattered on the bed sheets, aromatic candles burning lustrously in the trout gray walls as the glittering christmas tree in the corner touched the area with a lulling consolation. 

“Wow… it’s so..  _ pretty,”  _ Mikasa gaped. “I love the decor.” 

“I’m glad,” Eren removed his coat, leaving him in his sweater and gloves. “Come, let me help you take that shawl off.” 

He fiddled with the fabric and slipped it, caressing her sleek hair. Stepping to a corner, he pulled out a cassette and tucked the device into an aged radio, the clicking and reeling of the player starting to come on, streaming an old classical music. Mikasa watched him in confusion before finding both her hands clasped onto his, a small smile lighting up his face. 

Gently and slowly, he placed her hand on his shoulder as Eren enclosed her waist with his own, moving their positions in a slow dance. 

“Do you like this?” he murmured, “I used to do this with my mom… she taught me how to dance.” 

“It’s nice,” Mikasa flushed, “sorry, I stepped on your foot again.” 

“It’s okay,” he grinned. “I don’t mind.” 

He glanced silently at her, watching her as a strand of hair fluttered by. Those soft eyes shimmered with a light he hadn’t seen before, her tender lips pursed in thought. His hand itched to stroke her porcelain skin, to run his fingers through her silky smooth braid… her eyes seemed to catch his gaze as he immediately cowered in humiliation, looking away swiftly.

“Eren…” 

He swallowed, trying to keep his voice steady. “Yeah?” 

“Do you… enjoy being with me? Am I…  _ no,  _ do I... even deserve to be here? I mean… I-” 

“No,” he harshly replied. “I don’t want anyone else to be here with me. I thought you knew that, Mikasa…” 

“I know...but…  _ why?”  _

“Because it’s you.  _ And only you,” _ Eren said quietly. “Your presence is everything.” 

Mikasa’s expression softened in a pleasing smile. She stopped moving and wrapped her arms around him, burying her face to the crook of his neck. Inhaling the familiar scent of fresh wood, she whispered in an audible tone that he could only hear. 

“Eren… I- I don’t regret knowing you. You make me… _ feel happy, _ make me feel good about myself. The way you comfort me and bring me up… it reminds me of the days where my mom was still around, and I  _ love  _ it. What I’m trying to say is… I’m very grateful… because you stood by my side, you didn’t run away…  _ you’re home to me.”  _

_ Did she just say...all that?  _ He stroked her back from the behind, hugging her closer until her scent was all he could smell, her fingers gripping on his sweater…

“I’ll always be here. I promise.” 

“Thank you… do you want to open the presents?” 

“Sure,” Eren pulled away and escorted her onto the bed, sitting cross-legged on the cozy blankets that were dispersed with gifts and cards. 

“Levi got me some socks,” Mikasa chuckled, “they’re cute.” 

“Hold on… I’ll see what Historia got…” he ripped the paper impatiently and sighed. “These are… skirts…” 

She giggled and examined the lace trimming as they opened present after present from friends and family, sharing each other's thoughts and wishes with tender compliments. 

“For the grand finale… this is my present from me to you,” Eren took the flat gift from below his comforter, the green wrapping paper torn and crumbled from too much taping. Mikasa beamed at the effort and handled it carefully as she cut the ribbon, smiling to herself as he fidgeted with discomfort, quite uneasy with his offering.

“This is…” her eyes broadened in surprise, “this is your coat…” 

“Yeah, well, I don’t really know what you like and maybe… you’d find some reassurance in this when I’m not around- I don’t really know what I was thinking, but it’ll probably look better on you…” 

His voice died down as she clutched the clothing to her chest, little tears glistening down her rosy cheeks. “Thank you... _ I love it so much.”  _

“Don’t cry…” he wiped her face with his sleeve, fondling his hand over her cheek. In that moment, his eyes went to her mouth, her scrutinised nose, the softness of her skin… Eren reached over and cupped his hands near her neck, delicately pressing his lips against hers. Mikasa dropped the coat as her heart battered crazily in her chest, realising the weight pressed onto her, his warm touch that broke apart a hefty feeling she held. 

_ I’m not dreaming,  _ Mikasa reminded herself, allowing her fingers to curl on his sweater as she kissed him back in a swirl of uncertainty and sentimentality. The sensation is thrilling and comforting, and Mikasa relishes in the electricity that buzzes through her skin. Her grip tightened as she felt the pressure of Eren’s fingers against her neck. It was firm, locked onto her defenceless skin, but she didn’t find it threatening at all. At that moment she was vulnerable, her mind was steaming, her blood was rushing in a frenzy, but above all she felt warm. Protection presented itself in his fervent embrace, and Mikasa allowed it, letting it melt the ice that glazed her heart. There was no trace of fear or trepidation, only trust in the one that chose her. 

_ This must be… love.  _

Eren broke apart first, redrawing his hands as both of them grew extremely flustered. Mikasa’s lips still burned from the contact, and she chastised her thoughts when she found herself longing for more. 

“I like you,” he eased the tension rapidly. “I don’t know since when, but…  _ I like you _ , more than friends.” 

“I feel... the same way,” she mumbled, “I just thought it wasn’t- it wasn’t really-” 

“It’s real,” he kissed her hand, “My feelings are real. I want you to be with me, Mikasa.” 

She gasped very quietly, bringing his coat to her face. “I’d like to be your girlfriend.” 

Eren smiled and patted the mattress, telling her to lie down. He propped pillows to let her feel cozy and warm, tugging the brown coat onto her as the oversized fabric embraced her thin torso. Leaning down, he kissed her hair and wrapped his arms around her, feeling her head thud on his chest. 

“Merry Christmas, Mikasa.” 

“Merry Christmas,” she beamed and fell asleep with her pressed against him. _ Make this moment last, _ she prayed. 

___________________________________________________________________________

The alarm wasn’t the only thing that woke her up last night. She heard shatters coming from the kitchen, the door the only protection Mikasa could use as she dived her consciousness into her pillow and the saggy mattress, forcing her eyes shut tight. 

It had been weeks since she agreed to be Eren’s girlfriend, and though the relationship was compassionate and uplifting, the pain Mikasa had stored up for years still pulled her down at times when she was alone with her gyrating thoughts. She crawled out of the bed once sunlight fanned her skin, staying still near the wall to listen for footsteps, _ anything, _ to make sure she had a safe route to go out.

Mikasa winced and bit her tongue as her foot met shards of liquor glass on the floor, instantly retreating in awareness.

“Oi, start making food,” her foster father drawled from the couch. His eyes were redder than usual, a strong odour contaminating the air as he bent forward to open up another packet of powder, his movements sluggishly slow and hesitant. 

She didn’t respond but headed to the kitchen, preparing the coffee pot with the toaster ready, just to wound in anguish at the nearly vacant cupboards and drawers. 

“I heard you got a boyfriend,” he growled, “what’s his name again? Eren? Eren Jaeger?” 

“Mhm,” she hummed quietly, “that’s him.” 

“Ah, pity…” he murmured, “what a pity…”

Mikasa’s fingers twitched. “What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“Oh, nothing, really… I mean, you should know this yourself. There’s not much to say.” 

She set the chipped plates onto the stove, letting her back shield the embitter expression gritted on her face. “I don’t know what you mean.” 

“Don’t play dumb,” Mikasa heard the liquor dancing in the bottle, “you can’t run from this fate. Tell me, is Eren Jaeger really in love with you? The most I could think of is that he’s just doing it out of pity. There is no one, _ no one, _ who could truly cherish you as a whole.” 

“No,” she swallowed, “he wasn’t doing it for my sake. I know that, because... because he proved it to me…”

“Prove what, exactly?” 

“You wouldn’t understand,” Mikasa stated simply, “what would you know? Eren meant everything he said... he hadn’t lied.” 

“Grew some balls recently?” the drunk elderly snapped. “You got a mouth today, don’t you? I like to see how you can use it once it’s scarred and bled.” 

The click of a knife tinkered her to keep her mouth shut. She knew that his threats were not to be taken lightly, though it always resulted in light cuts and bruises on her arms and calves.  _ How did she cope with it for so many years?  _

_ “Family comes first,”  _ her mother’s words shook the devouring feelings in her, chaining her back to square one as any thoughts of abandoning him were immediately cancelled off. It was out of the question, a rule that was the top priority Mikasa had since her parents left. That monster that adopted her...  _ he’s the only family left.  _

_ She can’t leave him.  _

“Sorry…” she murmured, “your breakfast is ready. I’m going to practice.” 

“Oh right,” he flopped his feet on the glass table, causing the shot glasses to shatter onto the floor. “This is the only chance you’ll get to enter that competition. If you can’t win gold, then…” 

“I don’t have a reason to figure skate anymore,” Mikasa rasped in a sour voice, “I’m no longer qualified to... to skate again.” 

“I’m glad you remembered! After that, dear, I might have to sell you off to the dealers… we’re still in huge debt, you know…” 

She grabbed the cloak off the peg and stuffed the keys into her pocket. “Sell me?  _ What am I,  _ huh?” 

“Family, Mikasa,” his voice seeped into her. “Families always stick together, don’t they?” 

__________________________________________________________________________

A week passed again, the competition coming closer and closer, a ravenous darkness that could suck her down to  _ hell _ \- an awaiting place with bars that caged her mind in a perpetual prison-  _ a prison where no one can reach… _

Mikasa’s eyes wandered to the little plants on the window sill, lowering her head to the receiver as she spoke to Annie in Eren’s bedroom, scribbling a permanent marker on the CD that contained her solo arrangement for the freestyle performance required. 

“I’ll be naming it soon…” she fumbled with the pen, “it’s in two weeks, right?” 

The leaden voice belonging to her coach came out rough and tired. “Yes, on February fifth. I hope you have been practicing by yourself since you have a quarter of your time given to side jobs.” 

“Yeah,” she lifted a leg up onto the bed, “When’s the meet-and-greet? My name isn’t famous, and I don’t have many fans. Is it possible for me to skip that?” 

“You  _ have _ to go,” Annie grew impatient, “just answer the questions.” 

“It’s not like anyone would care. Figure skating isn’t that famous nowadays. I doubt anyone remembered my name after coming in last for the first sub-competition.” 

“Right, there’s only a couple of pictures in the media. But anyways, don’t be late on that day. As you should know, I hate to wait.” 

Mikasa heard the door open as Eren suppressed a tired smile, stretching his back muscles as he set his bag down. Crawling next to her, he gently pressed his face on her shoulder knowing that it served as an alleviation from a sapping week day. 

“Hey sweetheart.” 

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” she hung up and sighed quietly at the receiver, dropping the mobile as she drowned herself in his assuaging embrace. 

“Hey,” Mikasa whispered. “Rough work?” 

“Mhm,” Eren pulled her down with him onto the blankets, soothing her back with gentle strokes. “I’m pretty exhausted. Had to go places.” 

“I’m drained too… the competition is up in just fourteen days and I’m stressing for gold.” 

“It’s okay if you don’t get first, I’d be supportive for whatever result you get,” he smiled against her hair and closed his eyes, feeling her small hands wrap around his waist in a tender manner. 

“If that’s the only case... I have debts to pay...a lot of debts…” Mikasa frowned, feeling the sun scorching them through the unbarred window as she got sleepy. She felt his body warming up as his steady breathing became a little unsteady. 

“Is it… a lot? I can borrow you-” 

_ “No!” _ she cried out, “I don’t want to take anything from you. It’s alright, it’s not much…” 

“Tell me,” Eren played with her hair, growing even more concerned at her uneasy state. “You’re not using me, you know... we’re partners. We help each other.” 

“Yeah, but... it’s probably a hundred thousand and more,” Mikasa winced and rolled over to take the bill box she had. Uncapping the lid, rolls of receipts came out like endless swirls of ribbons, the numbers just growing more and more as she counted the finance again. “It’s alright, I’ll manage it. The competition is giving away eight hundred thousand for first place… it’ll be enough for all this.” 

“No pressure…I can always lend you some money-” 

_ “Eren,  _ I won’t take your offer no matter what you say. This is something I have to do by myself.”

His eyes dropped to hers, irresolute clear in his expression. “You sure?”

“Yeah,” Mikasa snuggled closer and grasped his hand, “I’ll be okay. Just promise me that you’ll show up on the day of my competition. _ I need you there.”  _

“Sure,” Eren kissed her forehead, “I promise.” 

Before she could respond, he moved away and sat up, reaching for his phone from the tableware. A frown skimmed through his face as he typed a message in return, the bright screen hurting her eyes from viewing the swaying glares of sun rays, scattering the glow on their bed sheets. 

“I gotta go,” he got off the bed, “there’s an emergency meeting with the facilities for the next shoot.” 

“You have to go now?” Mikasa’s voice came out impoverished and needful. “You just came back, you know… it’s just been a couple of minutes.” 

“Sorry,” Eren gave a sympathy look, adjusting his vest. “I’ll be back by ten, at the least.” 

“Aww,” she fiddled with her braid, “See you by then.” 

“I’ll buy you gelatin, the best kind,” he pecked her on the nose, “Wait for me.” 

“Alright,” Mikasa held his hand before releasing it, a soft smile washing over her features as she watched him disappearing out of the room, leaving her there, all alone. 

_________________________________________________________________________

The stadium was filled with people to the brim, large spotlights flaring the ice rink as contestants bustled at the corridors, prepping their costumes and music. Mikasa clicked her phone shut with a dispirited sigh, viewing herself in the mirror one last time before prodding her number tag onto her right side of her chest, an uneasy feeling settling into the pit of her stomach. 

She wore a sleeved dress with black tights, small dainty crystals outlining her neckline and sleeves that freckled the satin with shimmery light silver. Her hair was done into an up-do braid, light makeup dressed onto her cheeks as Annie came back from the studio, zipping her tracksuit up from the cold weather. 

“He’s not picking up my calls,” Mikasa casted a solemn expression, dropping her device into her lap. “Why isn’t he picking up?” 

“Calm down,” her coach dumped the duffel bag next to her. “Focus on the competition.” 

“But he isn’t here!” she frowned,  _ “he promised _ to see me…” 

“Mikasa,” Annie laid a hand on her shoulder, patting it gently. “You need to let it go. The main goal is to get first place, and you should snatch your attention to the eight hundred thousand win. It’s to ease your debts! Deal with him later. Your turn is coming up.” 

She averted her gaze to the crowded corridor, feeling her numb fingers gripping onto her dress. “I know, I just... all I want is him to be here. With Eren, things seem to be better.” 

“You can’t use your boyfriend as a supporting wall all the time. He would want you to be independent by yourself, doesn’t he?” 

“He would-” her words were cut off as soon as her phone made a tingling noise. Mikasa seized it and swiped hurriedly, relieved to see a response after waiting for so long. 

**_Eren:_ **

_ Hey! I’m so sorry, I may not be able to make it to your competition today. There’s a whole lot of work to do and the traffic was pretty bad due to the accidents happening on the highway. I know I promised that I’ll be there, and I am incredibly sorry that I won’t be able to make it. Ok, I’m not going to waste your time since we’re both in a rush. Wish you all the best, bby! Get that gold home <3  _

“Is that him? What did he say?” Annie’s urging voice brought her back to reality as her surroundings molded into a solid cold atmosphere. Mikasa flopped her phone into her bag and rubbed her arm in discomfort, a look of dejection rising into her miserable state. 

“He’s not coming,” her voice came out crisp, “I’ll just… do my best.” 

“Looks like you’re up,” Annie took her arm and brought her to the double doors where the crowds emerged, hoots and cheers arising. Cameras flashed everywhere like a sore sight, the congested area only suffocating Mikasa in a pool of creeping consternation. She glided into the rink slowly, feeling her breaths shudder as the burning light shined onto her face, blinding her in a flash. 

_ It was the start of a new horror.  _

________________________________________________________________________

Mikasa unlocked the door in a swift motion, the bedroom as stale as ever. The plastic certificate in her hands gave a rushing sting as the dready feeling enervated her down, her sore toes aching badly from the toe jumps and lutzs she did. Eren’s head popped up from the bed frame as he heard the metal clicking, rolling out of his comfort zone. 

“How did it go?” He took her arm gently. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there...” 

“Fifth place,” Mikasa’s tone was clipped, “I wasn’t good enough.” 

“Hey…” he sat her down, “that’s not true, it’s just- it’s just…” 

By the hesitating voice, she knew he couldn’t even comfort her.  _ He was doubtful as well. What...had gone wrong? _ Mikasa knew she didn’t need to question this again, but it was gnawing her away slowly from the bottom of her heart. Even if you tried, there’s just people who are better, more talented, more luckier… _ she just wasn’t special.  _

“I... I’ll just have to work more jobs,” Mikasa dismissed him briskly. “It’s fine.” 

“You can try again next year… we’ll make it work,” Eren brushed his fingers on her cheek. “I’m so sorry… don’t let it get you down.” 

“Okay,” she looked away. “It’s alright. It’s already over.” 

He didn’t look convinced at her reassurance, but judging by the downcast expression fading into existence, he knew not to question anymore. The light in her dark eyes was gone, and the longer Eren looked into those pools of murk and dullness, he felt more unsettled with the devouring color. 

“I’ll make you something. Do you want pasta? Bread rolls?” 

“Yeah.” 

Eren glanced at her. “You want...pasta?” 

“Yeah,” Mikasa repeated in a much smaller voice. He let out a breath and descended the stairs, knowing that she could no longer hear him.  _ Maybe if you had been there, it wouldn’t have hurt so bad, _ she thought quietly to herself, holding a grudge that he didn’t acknowledge. 

That night, Mikasa couldn’t sleep at all. Flashes of herself skating around the rink haunted her mind as Mikasa felt the familiar heat tingling her neck and ears, each fail of a jump, all spinning like a broken record on replay.  _ Her foster father hadn’t known of her result yet. What’s going to happen? The rents… the beating…  _

Mikasa knew she was falling, falling into a void of emptiness, infuriating anxiety prickling the back of her head as she tossed to another side, curling up in her position.  _ It was killing her.  _ Tears leaked out of her eyes as her face crumbled like a broken mirror, shaking her body softly.  _ Help me,  _ she pleaded. As if anyone could hear her in the pain of silence, using verbal words was no longer a choice to scream for aid. 

“Mikasa…?” Eren rubbed his eyes, patting her arm. “Mikasa, what’s wrong?” 

Shuddering, she wiped her cheeks frantically before sinking her face into the comforter. “It’s just a bad dream. Go back to sleep.” 

“Huh?” confusion and apprehension was vivid in his tone. “Tell me...what’s wrong? Why are you crying?” 

“It’s nothing. Let’s get some rest,” Mikasa murmured, “we have work tomorrow…” 

“Are you okay?” he pleaded for an answer. “Do you want to talk, babe? I can listen.” 

“I’m fine!” she forced a reply. “Don’t ask me anymore... I want to sleep.” 

Quite hurt with the harsh retort, he sighed and fell back to the mattress. He cradled her with an arm, pressing his face closely to assure her warmth. The gesture only made her wept more in distress, holding her snuffles in as she didn’t want him to hear her.  _ But he knew. He could still hear her crying, and it pained him to the core.  _

_ Please… please… save me. I’m fucking scared of everything... _

_ I don’t know- I don’t know what to do anymore.  _

__________________________________________________________________________

Eren couldn’t sleep so well anymore after the little incident. He would wake up at certain hours and stare at the indistinct figure of his lover, who hadn’t spoken so much for a few weeks as her condition worsened at a rapid rate. Eren could hear her light sniffles during the wee hours of the morning and he did try to comfort her just to have her feed his worries day by day. 

“You’re going to burn the egg,” her soft voice broke apart his thoughts. He blinked and regained consciousness of the pan, switching the fire down in a hurry. 

“Morning... Did you sleep well?” Eren rubbed his neck, setting the dining table. Mikasa’s eyes dimmed as she rolled her sleeves up, tugging the cloth nipped near the rack. 

“Kind of. What...what about you?” 

“Good,” he murmured, avoiding her gaze as he flopped the ingredients down to the porcelain. “If...if you need to talk-” 

“Eren...you look tired,” Mikasa cut him off. “We can get separate rooms if you want. I know I’m bothering you at night.” 

He grew silent as he sat down, letting out a weary sigh. “Talk to me. _ Please.  _ I- I’m getting very worried, and you know I can hear you… when you cry next to me…” 

Mikasa seemed to wince a little, her small hands balling into fists at the mention of the situation. “I know the state I’m in. I just need space.” 

“You don’t seem fine with being alone,” Eren growled, “why won’t you tell me anything?” 

“Because this has nothing to do with you! Nothing is going to change this route I’m taking,” she gritted her teeth, her tears almost bawling out. He almost forgot that it didn’t take much for her to cry again these days as it only made him more infuriated. 

“What?” he shouted, offended with her retort. “This- this has  _ nothing _ to do with me? Mikasa, you can’t be serious! You know my patience is running low-” 

“I’m not hungry anymore,” she stood up and grabbed the coat that he gave her for christmas around her shoulder, clipping her hair up. “I’m going to see the landlord.” 

“But you barely ate,” Eren reached to grab her hand, but Mikasa had already exited the house in a haste. The walk to the train ride was suffocating as the scene kept replaying by itself in her mind, eating her contentment away. She couldn’t help but chide Eren that her problem shouldn’t be in his worry, because all her life… Mikasa had been dragging others down… what if she pulled him down with her too? 

The thought only sends chills to her blood. She had seen the faint bags under his vibrant eyes, and it only pained her more than the current bundle of problems she kept. Her day went as planned, doing things along with the emotionless void in her heart. It was when a text surprised her routine, breaking her schedule off. 

**_Mr Williams (foster father)_ **

_ : I’m at a club located at the fifth street near May’s Square. Pick me up now.  _

Mikasa replied back swiftly as she sighed drastically, hopping into a cab. The night colors washed over the gloomy sky, clouds parting away across her vision as the dotted stars blossomed like diamonds embedded into the galaxy. She pressed her head to the window, relaxing her posture as the radio failed to cheer her up, closing her eyes with no effort. 

By the time Mikasa had reached the alleyway, it was only when she realised that she had received four missed calls from her boyfriend. Her phone rang again and this time, she picked it up. 

“Where were you?” Eren’s voice boomed through the receiver, sounding angry and weary. “It’s past eleven. You should’ve returned home by now- you didn’t even picked the phone up-” 

“I’m fine,” Mikasa drawled, “I needed to get something done.” 

“Do you need help?” 

She made a clicking noise with her tongue. “No. I’ll come home soon. I’m hanging up.” 

“Wait!” Eren’s voice became urgent. “At least tell me where you’re at.” 

“I’m at a club near May’s Square-” 

“You’re at a  _ what?”  _ he exclaimed so loudly that she had to pull the phone away. “Why the- why the hell are you in a club? Mikasa, answer me!” 

“Calm down! I’m here to pick my foster dad up!” she used a rash tone, irritated at his outburst. “I didn’t come here for fun-” 

The line connection broke as his voice cracked and faded away. Mikasa dropped the device and stepped into the club, hoping to get the job done quickly. When she reached Eren’s house after sending her drunk father home, it was approximately twelve in the morning. The lights were out as she expected just to see him slumped over the kitchen table, his arms folded beneath his resting chin. 

“Hey…” she nervously nudged him, “I’m back. Sorry to worry you-” 

Eren twitched as he got up, drained from the lack of sleep. “Why didn’t you tell me? It’s dangerous at a place like that-” 

“I didn’t intend to go there!” Mikasa defended herself. “Nothing major happened, so it’s nothing to fret about.” 

“Yeah but, you should’ve asked me to go with you- like, why am I not involved anymore? Why do you push me away?” his eyes seemed to drown in pain as she almost teared up at his fatigued expression. _ It hurt more than anything.  _

“I’m sorry. I need space,” she said quietly, not even sure if that's what she really wanted. “I don’t want to drag you down.” 

“Babe, you’re not dragging anyone down,” Eren sighed, “I want to help. We’ll figure things out if you’ll tell me what’s going on- and-” 

_ “I don’t know,”  _ Mikasa’s voice finally cracked, her face crumbling apart. _ “I really don’t…” _

The tender gleam in her lover’s eyes seemed to melt away as he looked so dreadfully worried, his eyebrows all scrunched up in alarm as he took her in with his arms, warming her back with a gentle massage. Her head fell over to his shoulder as streaks of tears drained the misery out as he endured the rain parade that came every night. 

__________________________________________________________________________

March eventually came around as things didn’t get better for Mikasa. If it was anything, it was just making her run in circles over and over again, and she was constantly tired, fatigued from her own mentality. 

Staring into the mirror just made Mikasa feel worse about herself. Her hair seems thinner and her pale skin was now dotted with freckles, scratches and bruises littering on her shoulders and thighs. The color in her eyes was gone, fissured and fractured from countless break downs Mikasa took, and she knew it was clearly unhealthy for her relationship. Even now she believes that it somehow wouldn’t work out… 

She exited the room and heard the gate being pulled open. Feeling slightly curious, she peeked through the curtain and saw his co-worker walking Eren home, the both of them chatting with ease. In the bathing light, his joyful manner burned with such a beautiful intensity that it almost blinded her out of sight.  _ He was happy,  _ Mikasa noted that to herself. He was beaming… and she was glad he could pull off such a spirited demeanour when she wasn’t by his side. 

_ At least he’s happy.  _

Mikasa hurried to prepare the tableware as the front door clicked open. She didn’t even need to look at him to know that the laughter he kept had died down into a downhearted face, a face still filled with love and passion for her.

_ “Don’t play dumb,” Mikasa heard the liquor dancing in the bottle, “you can’t run from this fate. Tell me, is Eren Jaeger really in love with you? The most I could think of is that he’s just doing it out of pity. There is no one, no one, who could truly cherish you as a whole.”  _

“I’m back!” he tried his best to sound merry, “how was your day?” 

“It’s okay,” she forced a smile. “Come, I’ve prepared fish and chips.” 

“Nice,” he dropped the bag in his hands, “I’m starving.” 

They sat down in silence as the clicking and ringing of metal against metal sharpened the apprehensive tension between them. 

“I got a raise,” Eren started the conversation, “apparently Erwin was delighted with the new popularity of the magazine covers.” 

“Wow,” she picked on the beans, “That’s good news. You’re really good at your job.” 

“Ah,” he stroked his arm, “it’s not so bad. How’s things in the cafe? Are you going back to figure skating?” 

“No,” Mikasa murmured, “I can’t go back to that profession anymore. It’s hopeless and money consuming.” 

He looked genuinely confused. “But I thought you love it…” 

“Does loving something matter now? If I can’t save my expenses, then- the debts will just increase-” 

“You can borrow my money and I wouldn’t mind!” Eren huffed, “if that’s the thing bothering you, I would’ve cash in sooner so-” 

“And…?” Mikasa wavered her utensil in the air, “The reason my mother died was because I couldn’t do anything by myself. I just  _ had _ to call her. If the same thing happened to you- I would… I-I would… _ never forgive myself…”  _

He reached across the table to grab her hand. “It won’t be repeated again. I promise.” 

“You can’t say that,” a sob came out of her. “Nothing is guaranteed anymore.”

“Look, if we don’t do anything, things are going to go down. I’d write a cheque for you _ \- anything-  _ just to see you… _ smile _ again…” Eren looked away at the blunt confession. _ “I’ll do anything...”  _

Mikasa rubbed her forehead. “I’ll think about it. And if not... you know, I wouldn’t mind at all if you leave me.”  _ Anything for your happiness, too,  _ she dreaded at the parallel thought. 

“What are you saying?” he swallowed, “I’d never leave you- you know I wouldn’t!” 

“But....” she squeezed his palm, “I would want for you to be happy with someone not so- troublesome…” 

“I wouldn’t run away!” he said angrily. “Not now, not then…” 

_ That’s the problem. If you refuse to leave me… I’d leave you instead. Maybe… if I’m being honest, our fate isn’t ever-lasting,  _ she silently thought. 

_ There’s no forever for us.  _

__________________________________________________________________________

“There,” Eren helped button a quilted parka onto Mikasa, “I’ll help wash my coat for you.” 

“Thanks for banking the money for me,” she smiled softly, “I still don’t want it...but I’ll take your help. You deserve to...to be there for me.” 

“We’ll be fine,” he moved her fringe aside before kissing her forehead. “Everything will be okay.” 

“Okay, I have to pay a visit to Annie and return the soundtracks,” Mikasa pecked him on the cheek before hurrying out. “I’ll be back.” 

“See you,” Eren smiled and let go of her hand. “Come back soon...” 

Mikasa took the subway and popped up at a nearby town, letting the gentle breeze flutter by with the warm smell of lilies, a hint of pastry mixed in the afternoon air. Her boyfriend had convinced her to take his money and after a long week of pondering, she finally accepted his help. It was about forty thousand, and compared to the original debt, it was just a quarter of the fortune. 

She was going to pass by when Mikasa saw a pharmacy and hesitated at the glass doors, before entering the store to find the local pharmacist in charge of the medical pills. 

“Hey…” she confronted the lady, “do you sell antidepressants here? Just wondering for a bit.” 

“We don’t have it…you have to get a psychiatrist for that.” 

“Oh okay... thanks,” Mikasa exited the place and shrugged the silly idea off, almost disappointed in herself for even thinking of buying hazardous medication without proper consultation. Annie then met her in the usual skating rink, where juniors were training to be professionals in the future under the coach’s guidance. 

“Here,” she took the recordings out, “you can have these back.” 

The blonde received it with care before stashing it on the bench, watching over the younger figure skaters with her elbows pressed onto the metal rails. 

“You’re not coming back? Retiring already?” an inkling of disagreement tainted in her voice. “You’re still young, Mikasa. There’s a lot more chances.” 

“I’m not going back,” her eyes saddened at the thought, “I simply couldn’t. There’s too many problems unresolved, and- maybe...I don’t have the right to love this sport anymore.” 

“Don’t tell me that,” Annie snapped. “Is your passion that fragile? Is ice-skating nothing but a career?” 

Mikasa felt an uneasy swallow of regret in her stomach. “No...I-I just can’t bring myself to do it anymore. It’s not that I don’t love it, it’s just... more of a burden to shoulder with the current situation.” 

“Burden?” Annie’s eyes side-viewed her, “if not now, when are you going to come back?” 

“I don’t know, okay?” her words went numb in the cold, but her feelings were perhaps more colder. The answers she gave nowadays were usually  _ ‘I don’t know’, ‘I’m not sure’, ‘I’m okay’, _ and if the people around her weren't sick of it, she certainly was. It frustrated her so much of not knowing what to do, not knowing how to crawl out of the tunnel… 

“I'll give you a call now and then,” Annie sighed. “Just so if you want to change your mind…” 

“Thanks,” she mouthed quietly, “I just need space and time.” 

“I’m going back to training the younglings,” she excused herself. “I’m going to visit Armin later.” 

“Have fun,” Mikasa gave a lopsided smile in encouragement. “I’ll go soon.” 

She took a look around and the flourishing gold shining down the ice gave her a rush of nostalgia churning in her blood. The crunchy sound of blades rang in the vast compound, light music of Tchaikovsky painting a final scene of goodbye.  _ This was the end of figure skating for her.  _

_ I’ll miss this place.  _

___________________________________________________________________________

“Here’s your card,” her foster father handed it to her in a flimsy throw, proceeding to grab the liquor on the table set. “You should start finding ways to cover our savings.” 

“Why did you… take my card?” Mikasa’s attention was immediately snapped up from the boiling pot of herbs. “What did you do with it?” 

“Bought a couple of stuff,” he shrugged aimlessly, scratching his straw colored hair in irritation. “It’s starting to decline pretty badly.” 

Pin drop silence fell over the two of them. She felt her hand clenched onto her blouse as the horror washed onto her face. “What did you...purchase? How much did you use?” 

He looked away instead. “Another sixty thousand. The gangs are asking for repayment. If there’s no bills to give, they’ll ransack this apartment and gun us down. I did it for the both of us.” 

_ ”What the fuck?”  _ Mikasa’s voice became shredded into pieces. “Why did you make a deal in the first place? At this rate we’re never going to pay back our funds!  _ Why are you so ignorant?”  _ she screamed so loudly that her ringing heartbeat pulsed so quickly in her ears. 

“Shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch!” he raised from his couch, “don’t fucking scream at me! Can’t you see how I’m trying to pay back my debtors, constantly demanded by people? What the fuck areyou even doing, spending your time with that loser of a boyfriend-” 

Mikasa’s nerves snapped. “Eren’s trying to help! How about you zip your fucking mouth and understand the hell we’re going through!” 

As if the situation didn’t go worse, the elderly man took a hold of the vase and smashed it onto the wall. _ “Quiet.  _ I raised you, you ungrateful piece of shit! When your own father abandoned you, _ I  _ took you in! I was the one who took custody, I gave you shelter, clothes, food, education-  _ everything!  _ So don’t talk back to me and act like the victim-” 

_ “No,”  _ tears gathered in her eyes, “you’re wrong.  _ You-”  _ she mustered up the courage, _ “you ruined everything for me-”  _

A hot sting met her cheek as her hair whipped to her side, red coloring her pastel skin. Mikasa gasped in pain at the rough contact and held the wound with a hand, anger flaring up in her head. 

“If you report anything to the police, and if I- _ get into prison,”  _ he hissed, “not only will the gangs target you. You’ll be fucked all over again by your trauma and the people that are hunting. They’ll kill.. _. oh yes, they will.  _ Maybe you and your boyfriend can finally rot in hell!” 

A shock overcame through her mind. “They’ll also kill…” the words couldn’t even get out before sweat started dotting her palms and forehead. _ “They’ll kill Eren too?”  _

“Of course,” he snorted, “there will be no witness to your  _ death.”  _

“No…” Mikasa’s eyes widened with absolute trepidation. “I mustn’t involve him... he can’t-” she started to cry, “I won’t…let that happen to him-” 

“You do realise that, don’t you?” the smug tone surfaced from his menacing threat. “Once I’m in prison, the gang will find you instead, so...if you were to die, they’ll murder him as well. You’re lucky they don’t know that I have an adopted daughter yet, so you better appreciate my kindness. If you were to fight against me, I’ll tell them about you and Eren…” 

_ “Enough!”  _ she covered her ears in distress, “that’s not true! Why- why is everything falling apart… this can’t be h-happening… I won’t allow it!” 

_ “Ugh,” _ her foster father spat in disgust. “Whatever the fuck you do, honestly. But don’t you forget something...if I were to be gone, your mother-” 

_ “She’ll never forgive you.”  _

_________________________________________________________________________

A few weeks passed, and now it was mid-april. Mikasa was getting more anxious and her interaction with Eren was reduced with nothing but small conversations, affection becoming rare. It scared her so much, the thought of losing him. Even if she knew that it pained him a lot, it was to-  _ to protect him.  _ In addition to that, Mikasa even got a separate bedroom to sleep alone, drowning herself in work to steer clear of communication. 

“Oi,” Levi fixated the mugs onto the shelves, “stop spacing out. Customers are waiting.” 

She blinked into reality and nodded her head, continuing her work. Mikasa tried her best to ignore the vibrations her cell phone was giving, knowing that it was rude, selfish- to push him away like he was an obstacle in her way. But after that warning, Mikasa couldn’t bring herself forward to him like a needy puppy, always ranting on her problems. 

Sasha called her into the kitchen, handing her a knife to chop up the radish. She let her fingers slip around the plastic handle, turning it over so she could see herself in the reflection of a blade. Mikasa’s eyes looked drained as ever, her frail bangs shadowing over the scarred look she was giving out. 

A sudden urge to take the blade and pierce it onto her body burned like a passion under her skin.  _ Mikasa wanted it all to end. Anything to make it end, at this point. She was tired of herself, her foster father, of the running circle she was forced to take-  _

If Mikasa just took her life right there and then, it’ll stop, right?  _ All will be finalised. It’ll be over quick.  _

_ Just one push-  _

“Mikasa!” Sasha’s perturbed tone dragged her back to the step she was in. “Is something wrong? Quick, the fire is still hot!” 

“-Huh? Y-yeah,” she passed it over hurriedly, the cold feeling lingering onto her back. “Sorry about that.” 

“Hm,” Levi appeared behind her, “what was that?” 

“What was what?” 

He raised an eyebrow. “Don’t play dumb. I know since you were little. As your cousin, I’d like to hear it from you.” 

“There’s nothing much,” Mikasa shrugged it off, “it’s not important. Don’t worry about it.” 

“Yeah right,” Levi folded his arms. “Come on, you can tell me.” 

A rising panic agitated the lies that she wanted to spat. “It’s just some minor problems in my relationship. I know you’re worried, but please don’t pry into this matter. I promise I’ll handle it with care. Sorry to worry you, but the issue isn’t that big…” 

_ Wow. She knew how to lie.  _

“Is that so?” he fiddled with his apron, “are you sure it’s not-” 

“I’m sure,” Mikasa quickly covered it up before the next sentence she wanted to say caught her off guard. Her voice shook and her eyes averted away to Connie. “ _ Trust me.”  _

“Okay then,” he sighed before picking the notepad up, “I’ll leave it to you. You’re an adult, after all.” 

“Thanks,” her voice was reduced into a squeak as she watched another person close to her drift away by the surrounding wall she built out of worry and anxiety. The day fell by until dusk became clear on the sky, signaling the end of work for everyone. Mikasa arrived home a little late and found herself pressed against the door of her room, an isolated feeling weighing on her head. 

A soft knock came outside her room. “Babe, can you come out? I want to talk…” 

Mikasa breathed in the musty air. “...Now? I’m tired.” 

_ “Please?” _ Eren’s voice came out so small and grazed it sent punches of torment into her chest. “We haven’t talked properly since weeks.” 

_ Guess there’s no avoiding this one,  _ she reminded herself. “Okay…” 

They sat down on the bed together, each second dripping so slowly it became uncomfortable and unbearable. Eren’s hand unconsciously took hers in his palm as his gaze fell onto her. 

“So...what’s up?” 

He sounded debilitated, his shoulders slumped and weary. The soft stare in those once alluring eyes just watched his lover cower in her fear, no longer bright and gleaming. Mikasa recoiled at his touch and pursed her lips in guilt.  _ She did this to him. She ruined a perfect person.  _

“How’s work?” she pulled out the lamest question. “I’m doing- okay, I guess.” 

“Mmhm,” his fingers caressed her fragile fingers, “work’s tiring. I’m just wondering about you these days. I can’t read you anymore.” 

“It’s just work,” Mikasa fidgeted with her toes, “we should drop this subject-” 

“No,” Eren almost lost his cool at her denial. “What in the world is going on? Tell me, Mikasa.” 

Her heart dropped. “Tell you what?” 

“Why are you so- so-” his eyebrows were drawn down in frustration. “This is _ killing _ the shit out of me. I’m emotionally stressed and hurt by your actions! If there’s something, tell me already! I don’t want to be shut out by my partner all the time. Because these days, I don’t know!” Eren’s tone cracked, “I can hear you cry, I can see the pain in your eyes but you never come to me! Do you...hate me that much?” 

“Hate you?” Mikasa said in disbelief, “I don’t hate you…” 

_ In fact, I love you more than anything.  _

“Then why?” his hands balled into fists, “am I such an unworthy partner? If I did anything wrong,  _ please _ tell me… anything... just say it.” 

“It’s not that... I’m just tired of work. I still have debts to pay…” 

“I know, but, can we at least spend time together and tell each other how we feel? I thought couples were supposed to go through problems together, so I don’t get how- we’re so different…I hate seeing that sad look on your face, I hate hearing your muffled crying, I hate how you run away, AND I CAN’T FUCKING DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT!” 

His outburst made Mikasa flinch in alarm. Hot tears were now streaming so fast down his face as he angrily wiped them, desperate sobs coming out from him. Mikasa couldn’t help but teared up at the sight that unfolded.  _ It was all her fault, wasn’t it? _

“I’m so sorry…” she pressed his face into her neck, ruffling his hair in gentle pats. “I’m so sorry for everything…” 

_ I’ll fix it. That, I can guarantee.  _

____________________________________________________________________________

“There’s a business trip after the second week of July,” Eren said quietly, “I’ll be gone for a week. Will you be okay by yourself?” 

“Yeah,” Mikasa scrubbed the plates in the dish sink, “I’ll be fine.” 

“You sure? I don’t want to let you be lonely,” he wrapped his arms around her and buried his face into her neck. “I can cancel it for you.” 

She smiled gently and rested her head on his. “It’s okay, I’ll have myself as company.” 

“Well, if you say so…” Eren beamed wearily and nuzzled his face into a comfortable position. “My mom can hang out with you instead. We haven’t seen her in a while.” 

“It’s alright,” Mikasa kissed him, “I want some time by myself. Speaking of that...do you want to go on a date later?” 

“A date?” he was caught in bewilderment, “that’s kind of sudden... but sure,” a laugh came out. “Of course we can.” 

The way Eren said it with so much merriment honestly splintered her heart when she was dreading the days she marked on the calendar, unsure and unplanned with her own witless decisions.  _ But it had to be done, in the end. For the both of them.  _

“I’ll get ready at six,” Mikasa smiled tenderly, “don’t be late, babe.” 

“Got it!” 

They settled into an aging cafe down the street by seven, with a reservation spot left for the both of them on the side balcony. Mikasa checked her outfit in the washroom, a red sundress cropping her thin figure with light touches on her face. She had tried her best to do her hair, figuring that it’s been quite a long time she hadn’t dressed nicely. 

“It’s a beautiful view out there,” Eren mused, “do you like it?” 

“Yes,” Mikasa’s eyes glanced through the dainty sky, a view so lively that she would’ve envisioned it in a painting. There were scented candles propped in a bowl, light sparks fizzing on the wimborne white table cloth. She could see Eren’s effort for this particular date, having his usual hair combed back in a futile attempt, a neat three piece suit worn on a cold night. 

“You look...very beautiful,” he smiled gently, “I haven’t seen this side of you for a long time.” 

She coughed uneasily, abashed. “I’m sorry…” 

“No no, it’s okay,” Eren waved it off. “Let’s enjoy the night together without bringing it up…” 

“Okay,” she beamed. “Let’s.” 

They ordered the same shepherd's pie, talking the dinner off with the usual chat, none of them talking about the events from past months up as they do not wish to ruin the date. 

“Where do you want to go after this?” 

She kissed his fingertips, “let’s just walk around and get gelatin…”

He grinned softly, “brings back memories…” 

Eren settled the bill before they locked hands together, strolling down the path with neat steps, savouring each second, each minute. Mikasa’s hand went to his arm and she pulled him in closely, his usual scent of caffeine warming up her heart.  _ This moment was everything.  _

_ If she could just have him a little longer… _

“Wait here,” he squeezed her hand, “I’ll get gelatin.” 

“Yeah,” Mikasa sighed dreamily, “okay.” 

He came back five minutes later with two glass cups, the milky fruit mix bringing long, gratifying memories of winter back to her heart. She scooped it up and took a small bite, the sugary sweetness clenching an electrifying pain burning in her bones.  _ This would be the last time she’ll eat this with him, huh…  _

“How is it?” Eren asked, watching the graceful fall of daffodils on the road, other people bustling by in a blur, whereas time slowed for them. 

“It still tastes the same,” Mikasa chuckled, “just like christmas.” 

He hummed in a delighted response. “Yeah...remember when I first bought you these? I walked you back to the subway that day.” 

“How can I forget?” she mocked him lightly, “it was when you opened up to me…” 

“I didn’t regret it,” Eren trashed the plastic into the bin before rejoining his warm hand to hers, “Do you want to know why I wanted to be friends?” 

“Why?” 

“Because... I found you special. I love your smile, that day in October where you performed,” he rejoiced for a moment, “and I told myself _ ‘I want to see that smile again’.  _ After that, the more I get to know you… little did I know… _ I fell in love. _ With no warning or sign, with no reason and why, I just… did...like it was meant to happen.” 

“I still can’t believe you chose me,” Mikasa admitted, “Because I’m not a good partner. I don’t really date in the past because I didn’t have the heart for it.” 

“Then why did you agree to be my girlfriend?” Eren pouted, “was I a last resort?” 

“Don’t be stupid,” she punched his arm playfully, “I thought you knew the reason. I dated you because… you were everything to me. Eren... you made me feel safe, feel happy… I was just like a robot, but- you changed that. I dated you because- because I-” 

_ She couldn’t say it. Any more longer and she’ll break.  _

He caressed her cheek. “Because you-?” 

“Because…” Mikasa’s eyes casted down to the path, “because I knew I’ll be happy.” 

“Oh,” his voice dropped, although he tried to cover his dismay. She hadn’t said _ I love you  _ before. It felt forgein on her tongue and Mikasa wouldn’t say it just because she felt like it- she'd only say it if it was coming out from her heart.  _ But she still couldn’t do it.  _

They stopped under a string of lights, where no one was at sight. Eren tugged softly on her hair as she turned around with a questioning look. 

“May I?” 

“Mhm,” she dropped her hand to his as he wrapped an arm around her waist, lifting her arm onto his shoulder. They waltzed with the background of traffic and instrumental music coming from one of the restaurants, swaying slowly in the dark. 

Mikasa’s heartbeat slowed in a soothing rhythm as she pressed herself closer till her nose fit nicely under his ear, Eren’s own heartbeat aligning with hers. He started humming to an old song, which she immediately recognised as the song they danced to during christmas night, faint nostalgia wrapping them together.  _ If they could only do this every night.  _

Mikasa held her breath as she imagined a life without him, reminiscing about the future. She cursed this life, she cursed their fate for being that way, she cursed herself for being so fucking naive. Tears welled up in her eyes, little tears that streamed down her cheeks and onto his suit. He held her tighter in his embrace, kissing her hair and calming her down repeatedly, which Mikasa could only sob at the affection. 

_ This would be our last date, babe.  _

_ Because after this and all that we’ve been through… _

_ It’s goodbye.  _

__________________________________________________________________________

Mikasa sat on their bed as she looked longingly at the phone, reaching out for her mobile as she took deep breaths, clicking the call button. Eren had gone for his business trip and he wouldn’t be back for a week, and that was enough time for her. She couldn’t even look at him in the eye that morning as she ran into his arms one last time, kissing him softly with her hands cupping his face… all those promising words she made just stabbed him back into the heart, knowing that it would kill him in the end. 

The dialing ringtone cut through the dank atmosphere as Mikasa waited for him to pick up, gently folding the crumbled paper into an envelope. 

“Hey babe…” his voice sounded rusty and tired, “what’s up? Is something wrong?” 

“I...I just want to check if you’re doing fine,” she swallowed, “how’s it going?” 

“Pretty good, but it’s lonely without you,” Eren laughed a bit, “did you do anything fun?” 

“Not really…are you busy now? Am I bothering you?” 

“No, not at all-” Mikasa could hear him smiling, “anything for you.” 

She frowned. “Hey, I don’t have to come first all the time… it’s best to put your priority on other things, you know, because-” 

_ I won’t be here any longer.  _

“Yeah, yeah,” he huffed, “it’s pretty shitty with this work load. I haven’t got any rest since three in the morning and I’m drained.” 

“Okay... go to sleep now,” Mikasa chided, holding back the neediness she wanted. “I want you to have some rest so you’ll be healthy and fine.” 

“Ahh,” he whined, “but I want to talk to you…” 

“Please don’t make me worry,” she sighed softly, “you’ll be home in a few days, okay? We can talk all you want after you’re back…” 

“That’s a long time,” Eren complained, “but fine, I’ll sleep. So… you want to hang up now?” 

“Yeah,” Mikasa said bluntly. “I-” 

She forced a hand over her mouth before stopping her words.  _ This was her last chance. Just say it.  _ “I just want to say I love-” 

A buzz ended the line as he hung up before she could even finish her sentence. Mikasa dropped the phone into her lap as she started bawling out tears, her cries as anguished and desolate.  _ Till this day, this moment, she still didn’t say it.  _ A raging urge to call him back overtook her nerves but she didn’t do it, because he would know something was up, and furthermore… Mikasa didn’t want the ache to last any longer. She also didn’t want him to hear her cry again.  _ Enough is enough. _

Tucking the letter under his comforter, she put on the trench coat he gave her as a gift and headed back to her own house. 

_________________________________________________________________________

The train was empty as pink flourished through the space, the sky hinting orange and purple as the sound of the rail track whirred under the seats, sending her to the local shopping complex. Mikasa rested her head onto the glass and enjoyed the evening, nestling in the coat as it served as a final comfort. 

She dropped herself off as her destination was clear, walking by hundreds and hundreds of people as she headed up the lift, going to the last floor before taking the emergency steps to the open compound, where people usually smoke and store things. The wind was blowing furiously, whipping her hair in all directions as Mikasa strolled calmly to the edge of the rail, stepping up with her flattened shoes. 

_ This is the end.  _

She pulled out a photograph from the inner pocket of his coat, her eyes softening at the picture of her and Eren’s selfies when he confessed to her that night, his grin as bright as ever, their fingers entwined so tightly. Hesitatingly, Mikasa let the thin plastic go as the wind carried it away, a floating memory to never be found again… 

Mikasa stared down at the swarming city below her, and for the first time-  _ she was going to be free, right? Free from this world full of misfortune and chaos, free of bonds…  _

She pulled the fabric of his coat to her nose and pressed it close, inhaling his scent one more time, just one more time… before stepping into air, losing all balance and falling down, her eyes watching the blooming sun as seconds become minutes, minutes became hours… 

_ She wouldn’t remember him in the afterlife, would she? Nor would she remember his name, his identity, his appearance..  _

_ But perhaps, if there’s one thing she’s going to remember… _

_ Was that she loved him, true from her heart.  _

__________________________________________________________________________

Eren ran through the corridors and all he could see was white, white, white before tears fluttered by in his sprint. He felt drowsy, as if he was sober, as he kept running. He flew back so quickly after he received the news, crying and crying as he sat in the airport before praying so hard, that maybe if there was a chance that his lover was safe, was still alive… 

He stopped as he saw the sign before busting the doors open as he slowed in his tracks. The whole crowd was there, the cafe workers, Jean, Annie, his own family… They watched him as he choked on his tears as his head slowly turned to the glass pane where the ICU room was. 

_ It killed him.  _ Mikasa was lying there, tubes and machines stuck to her arms and legs as a white cloth covered her body, bandages wrapped from toe to head as a breathing ventilator covered her face. The green line on the screen wasn’t moving at all as it kept going in a straight line, no sign of heartbeat found…

Eren reached a hand to his face to find new tears sliding down his cheek as his breathing became hitched. He went closer and pressed his palms to the wall as his eyes went to her limp hand, which was dangling at the side… he wanted to reach her, but she was already...gone… Eren thumped his fist so harshly onto the glass as he let out a strangled cry, his face crumbling into sobs and sobs as he processed all of it again. 

He hit the wall, over and over again, to relief the pain but it was still there, still growing like a fucking virus. 

Jean and Levi grabbed him and forced him down as Carla rubbed his back to soothe the pain. He couldn’t stop screaming as he let it all out, wrestling with Mikasa’s cousin as he wanted to just smash something, anything…

“Stop that,” Levi tucked his arms behind, “don’t go breaking things.” 

“Shut the fuck up!” Eren spat, “she  _ left  _ me...she left me and I couldn’t fucking save her! I COULDN’T FUCKING DO IT!” 

He threw a punch to his face, his jaw bloodied and bruised from the repetitive hits. Jean scowled and delivered another throw. 

“Stop your pathetic cries…” he murmured before Sasha tugged him back,  _ “we _ ... _ we couldn’t save her…”  _

Her figure skating partner looked even more distressed. All of them, her friends, shared a gloom look at each other before comforting Eren. His mother was holding back tears as she watched her son break down so badly… 

Time passed quickly before most of them left the ward, leaving Armin and Eren there, sitting on the cushion. His best friend nudged the crying man on his arm before taking something on his side. 

“This is...her coat…” he said in realisation. It looked the same as before, with some blotches of blood sprayed on the side and collar. Surprisingly, it didn’t smell like himself anymore…  _ it smelled like Mikasa.  _

“She’d want you to be happy,” Armin sobbed, “you know she wants you to have your happiness.” 

“I-I c-can’t…” Eren said in a muffled tone before hugging it in his arms. He went home at eight, tired and broken as he flung his luggage to the side. He dropped himself onto the mattress, rolling aside onto his comforter before hearing crunches under his pillow. Quite annoyed, he flipped it over to see an envelope fluttering down. Unfolding the letter, he read it quietly by himself: 

_ To Eren:  _

_ Hey babe… by the time you got this, I’m most probably gone. I know it’s sudden, and it could be too much to take in... I’m sorry for that. You might think that it was selfish of me to leave you alone, but we were really going nowhere. Everyday as I wake up, you seem more weary and tired as you watch me shut you out. I couldn’t escape from my own prison, I couldn’t, as my past haunts me so much. I hide things from you, and I make up lies… and I hated every bit of it. Of course I didn’t regret meeting you, and being together with you… in fact, fuck, I cherish you so much and love you that I found the absolute need to protect you. My foster father owned some illegal money and he threatened me that if I were to report him, some mafia would hunt me and you down, and you know… I would never forgive myself if you were to be killed. I’m certain that if I took my own life first, they can’t find you…  _

_ I hadn’t told you a lot of things. You have no idea how happy I was when you accepted me, when you told me that you love me, because someone like me…. Hadn’t loved anyone since my mother left. You were my first.  _

_ After all, I’m sure you’ll find real happiness after I’m gone, because we were never fated to be. Everything just clashed so suddenly, and it wasn’t good or healthy for the both of us. I know that.  _

_ You said you wouldn’t leave me, so I had to leave you instead. We’ve been pushing around and neglecting things, and I know I was at fault. I’m sorry, babe. I really am. I’d do anything for you too. Maybe one day… we’ll see each other again and be together on the other side.  _

_ I want you to move on. I want you to be happy. Take your time, heal, and find someone else some day. Get married and start a family, perhaps. You know I’ll be watching over you up there.  _

_ I truly believe you were the right person at the wrong time.  _

_ We’ll be together again, some day.  _

_ Love,  _

_ Mikasa  _

_ P.s I left something for you under the bed.  _

He wiped the new found tears streaked onto his cheeks as he cleared his throat before bending over the bed, rustling the blanket. There was some sort of recording stashed there as he took it, pressing the play button. 

“ _ I’m glad you found it… um,” her voice stopped, “I wanted to say it the other day...well… I love you…” she stopped again before her crying became clear, repeating it again in a softer voice, “I love you...for the longest time I’ve known… I love everything about you. Your eyes, your laugh, your personality… your heart and your kindness. I fell in love with you without knowing it as well. You’re so brave, so heartwarming, and I know that you can get through this. I’ll always love you. You can keep this if you need me anytime. I’ll be here, next to you... I won’t…” Mikasa sniffed and broke into new tears as her voice trembled, “I won’t go away again.”  _

___________________________________________________________________________

Christmas eventually came around by December. The police captured her foster father and got everything covered with the help of Levi and Jean. Debts were cleared, and things went back to how it is. It was now snowing a blizzard and Eren just came back home from Mikasa’s grave, a packet of gelatin in his hands. 

“Hey sweetie,” Carla smiled, “your relatives are here. Do you want to spend time with them-” 

“Thanks mom,” he sighed, “but I’d rather be alone just for tonight.” 

“Alright…” she kissed his cheek before hurrying back to the kitchen. He went upstairs and locked himself in his bedroom, shutting out the lights except for the fairy ones that hung over his bed frame. He padded to the drawer and played the same music he played last year, curling himself on the bed. 

Eren took the recording out and kept repeating it as he wrapped the coat around his arms, relieving himself of her scent. He wanted to cry at the sound of her voice as everything here reminded him of her.  _ He missed her so fucking much.  _ She wouldn’t want that, of course, but it was beyond help. _ Time will come by and change that eventually.  _

Eren murmured the song quietly and ate the gelatin by himself as snow thudded onto his shutters, breaking apart a lonely silence as he closed his eyes, imagining her face by his side. Each time the recording stopped, he replayed it again until sleep deprived him. 

“Merry Christmas, babe…” he shut his eyes tight and breathed her scent in.  _ At least you’re still living in my heart, because… till this day…I haven’t moved on. _

_ I still love you.  _

__________________________________________________________________________

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> a/n: hey! thanks for reading it till the end! I hope my work was okay and I also do apologize if there were any mistakes I made since I'm still quite an amateur in writing ;-; 
> 
> though I am still very proud of this particular fanfiction <3
> 
> once again, thank you all! 
> 
> p.s/ I don't appreciate my work being posted at any other platforms without permission, tyvm 
> 
> -emx


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